family4peace

Horrible blogger...

2008-08-02T09:09:00.002-05:00

Can you tell I have moved to facebook?? I will try to keep up here as well but I believe there are only a few of you who read this... and most of you are on facebook too.

Veda and Soren are doing great!! They are such the little troopers! They dealt with me while I spent most of my summer with my head in review guides for my licensure exam. The day I took my exam Veda said to me... "mom, I hope you pass your exam." And I asked her why she said that with such emotion and she said "because I just want to play with you." UGH. I have been a horrible mom and wife most of the summer because I have been so obsessed with this stupid test. Well, it's finished. AND I PASSED!! It was horrible and I never want anything to do with it again. I have two of my friends that I want to help through it but beyond that forget it!!

Jeff is back to work doing his normal 12 hours at a time. I think he is still having pain here and there but is doing a lot better. He now just has to deal with his blood pressure that seems to be coming back down- he is getting dizzy spells. Welcome to my world of anemia!!

I started back to work yesterday so my summer has offically ended.

My friend C had her baby a few weeks ago and I have only gotten to hold her one day... BOO HOO!! I was hoping to get up and see her this weekend but I don't think it's going to pan out.

The rest of my family is good. Playing on the lake and the such.

Today I feel pretty good. Did I mention that I have decided to run a half marathon?? I know. CRAZY! But I think it is a good motivator for me. So I have been running more and working out more. I just hope I am going to be able to stick to it while I am working.

That's it for now.

The baby is here!! (Not mine silly!!)

2008-07-14T19:08:00.003-05:00

Cat had her baby today. She is beautiful so I thought I would get some pictures up. No name at this point. It has changed several times.

Problems with posting... you can see the baby on my facebook account. Just look under my name now. DW

7 years ago today...

2008-07-06T13:17:00.002-05:00

Seven years ago today I was playing with my baby girl at our new home. My husband was at work and life was going as planned. Seven years ago today my life changed when my husband died. And now that it has been 7 years, I have to say that although it is not the life I had chosen, this is the life I want. I am happy with my two kids and my husband. Yes, I still miss Tad and wonder what life would have been like with him but I don't wish it were that way. I have grown as a woman and mother, daughter and friend during this process and although it sucked (and often still does) I am a better person. I have learned that you only get one shot at this thing called life. Again, accidents happen. Like a good friend told me "It's like stepping in dog shit. It's an accident."

So as for today, another year, another July 6th, I am here. Sad and sifting through memories but I am here and loving every minute of what I get (at least I am trying).

I promise not to be one of those people who only post crappy things so when I get back home I will post some really great pictures of my amazing kids!!

As for your blogger space...

2008-06-03T09:11:00.005-05:00

I am sorry that I have abandoned you blogger. I have been busy being a mom.

I am officially finished with work for the summer. I go back on August 1st so I have some time off to play with my kids and study for my exam. I have been trying to squeek some study time in every day- not always working. I spend Friday night and Saturday morning at a review session in the DET. Hey did the Wings win last night? I'll have to check that.

Veda finishes school on Thursday and she is not happy about it. She heard this commercial that says "the average child looses 2 and a half months of what they learned in school over the summer." She does not like this. So we are trying to come up with a plan for her to retain all of her brains. She has been pretty decent lately. A bit of testing but that's normal with anyone made partially from my blood. Her piano is coming along great! I have to say she has some talent- not from me.

Soren is busy teething now. He hit me in the eye this morning with a lego (one of the oversize ones) so I have this funny little mark that makes it look like I have bad makeup on the side of my eye. Waiting to see if I get a black eye. He is thinking about walking. He does it between the couch and table but not on his own. He will get there soon enough I am sure. He is still pretty funny. Loves to go running with me and adores to be pushed in the swing. He is not going to be in daycare this summer while I'm off (except for the occasional day just to keep familiar with his daycare provider). So the kids and I will have some time to play!!

Jeff started back to work last night. THANK GOD! I am feeling the money pressure big time. It will figure itself out right? I think he is really glad to be back again getting to see his friends at work and just being out of the house.

Madchen is having surgery as we speak. (Great on the money situation.) She has to have one of her claws removed as she broke it last week. I guess she was out playing with her frisbee and caught it on something.

I have added some recent pictures for you to see. Family one taken at Binder Park Zoo with friend CE

2008-05-17T08:50:00.002-05:00

I will use my friend sortingoutthebabystuff's way of saying this... "There is a new star in heaven today." T died. His little heart could not make it.

My heart is broken for C and K.

Please send C, K and P (T's twin) all of your thoughts and prayers in the coming weeks. Their grieve is sure to be immense.

thoguhts/prayers

2008-05-17T06:07:00.002-05:00

My friend C had her twins on Monday. The little boy is having a lot of difficulty and I just heard he is not doing well. He has some heart problems. He already has had one heart surgery. Please think, pray, manifest- whatever it is that you do- please just do it for baby T!

He's one!

2008-05-15T12:14:00.002-05:00

So Friday was the boy's official birthday. He is just growing so fast. I will post new pictures soon I promise. Just have been pretty busy. Go figure. He had a fun family birthday party. I made him a Moose Cake- he is rather big hence a "Moose Baby". We grilled and ate. Good stuff. He is starting to want to walk with help. I bet in the next month or so I am going to be in trouble.

He fell off his babysitters couch on Monday and today we went in to get a CT scan. Fun. He really didn't like the idea of some strange lady coming and taking him out of my arms and holding him down on this crazy machine. But we got through it. It only took a few times.

UM P.S.- money sucks. I have never in my life REALLY worried about money. I don't like doing it! To be honest right now my checkbook is overdrawn by $600. Hopefully Jeff will be able to go to work soon. He got the okay- with restrictions- but we need to make sure that there is work he can do with his restrictions. I think I will start hookin'. Little money that will bring in... I have to remember (as much as I hate this saying... it always comes to be true)... "it will all work out". So for now I hope tomorrow comes fast before my checks clear. But then I have the next two weeks to worry about. Ugh.

Veda has still be dealing with D****. She was suspended for 3 days over her last verbal attack of Veda. I am really frustrated with her.

Jeff is feeling better but he really wants to get back to work. If he doesn't I am going to send him out to find a money tree seedling.

More soon...

Baby no more..

2008-05-12T11:26:00.009-05:00

So Soren turned one on Friday. Wow. Can't believe how time goes so quickly. We had a family party and that was great. Good to be with everyone.

I am busy working on preparing for my Social Work Licensing Exam. Coming up soon. I sure hope I do well. I hate standardized tests!! I just took a practice exam and got an 86%. There were two that I wasn't sure about and I guessed so it could have been an 84% but I guessed right!

My friend C and her husband K delivered their babies today!! Yeah. They are safe and sound.

I have posted some pictures because frankly they say more than I can.

Unfortunately those are my underwear on my son's head. Thanks mom...

2008-04-22T08:08:00.002-05:00

I remember the days that Veda lived in this little Chariot. Now she doesn't fit in it and there is this little boy who has taken her seat.

His first bike ride which ended with his first ice cream cone.

There were some interesting moments... when the Chariot came disconnected from my bike and I had to stop and try to figure it out by the side of the road. The passerby's must have found it hilarious!!

I love my kids!!

Photo update

2008-04-14T10:45:00.006-05:00

Cute little bum...

They love eachother so much that it makes me sick.

Piano Man. Trying to be like his sister.

Hide and Seek...

2008-04-09T07:15:00.004-05:00

So if you were an urn where would you hide? I continued to find humor in it yesterday but was ready to make sure he really wasn't missing. When I got home I asked V to go and look again in her room to see if she could find Daddy Tad's box. She went up and searched for a bit and came down holding his urn (which if you haven't held one.. they are VERY heavy. They have to be lead lined.)

"Where did you find him... it?" I asked.

"It was behind my chair on the the floor."

So that's where you hide if you are an urn... On the floor behind a chair. The same place you hide if you are a "hydrated body".

Now to find a new place to put "the urn". Veda doesn't want him in her room anymore. So for now, he/it sits on the table upstairs in the library. The mantel is just such an awkward place.

Umm... he's missing.

2008-04-07T19:35:00.000-05:00

So I just went to put Veda to bed and realized that Tad is missing. Not him exactly- his ashes... Where do you think he would be? Where would a 7 year old put the remains of her bio-dad? I have to find humor in this.

An apple a day...

2008-04-07T10:58:00.000-05:00

That stupid F****ng GRIEF BITCH!

2008-04-07T09:17:00.004-05:00

My friend "A" and I call our grief leaks "THE GRIEF BITCH". (We decided yesterday that we need to write a book about her...) Anyway she hit me smack in the face yesterday. Not like a light slap. It was a cold hard punch- with metal knuckles... I went to a Memorial service of a family friend (okay, more than a family friend. I have known this man since I was 8. He was the closest thing to peace and love that I knew. He was also a Bishop and was known around the world. And I was lucky enough to share numerous years with him, Thanksgiving dinners and just love him.).

His service was nice. It was held in my "hometown" college chapel. Let me preface this by saying this is where Tad and I were married. The Bishop was at our wedding and actually did a blessing for us during the ceremony. The man who spoke at the service yesterday was the man who actually married Tad and me.

I had not been in that building since the wedding. I had to walk into the basement to go to the bathroom. WOW. It was exactly the way I remembered it. And to be honest I have not thought about that space since the wedding. I haven't given it much thought at all. All of those people there- some were there again to celebrate the Bishop's life.

And then, at the end of the service (like it hadn't been hard enough) low and behold I hear bagpipes begin to play. I turned to my mom and I said "Oh Jesus, you have to be kidding..." The tears flowed. See the town I grew up in was called "Scotland USA" and we always had a Scottish festival each year. Each time I hear bagpipes I am thrown back to being an excited little girl sitting on my front porch eating bagels and Ramen noodles with my friend AM. We would wait for the big weekend and then go to the parade. Bagpipes mean home for me. UGH.

I knew going to "hometown" that it would be tough. I didn't know how tough. I was only going to grieve the Bishop... then GRIEF BITCH brought Tad along. And to top it off I have not been back to said "hometown" since my parents moved. I drove past MY old house (someone had ripped all of my great grandmother's flowers out and replaced them with bushes! Ornamental bushes! Ugly!) and had the reminiscent drive by MY old neighborhood. MY neighbors weren't there- now they live in Chicago. There was a strange little boy playing in THEIR yard! This was such a cathartic trip for me. And sorry to "A" and my sister who got a brunt of it on the way home. Thank goodness for cell phones. But I still have a headache from yesterday's visit from the GRIEF BITCH. (Although it may be my sinus's- unclear on this one.)

Fooey on that GRIEF BITCH. I am glad that her visit is done.

I woke up this morning to the sound of my handsome (somewhat crippled) husband snoring and my babies babbles through the monitor. Although I hate snoring... today there was no better sound.

Thankful for a new week.

Mr. DeVil comin' to get ya!!

2008-04-03T10:34:00.001-05:00

the scratch

2008-03-31T07:24:00.004-05:00

No news on the D**** front. Sorry. Kids are on spring break. V is at Tad's parents for a few days. We went up to my nephews show yesterday afternoon- he was great. Hard to watch him on the stage as he has taken on/over a lot of Tad's mannerisms. Almost uncanny how similar they move. It was hard for me to just enjoy E's performance as I was caught tracing the movements he made. Anyway- E was great. He has a wonderful voice. He is very talented. And he has a SENIOR as a girlfriend. He's a freshman. UGH.

Soren has continued to crawl he thinks he's pretty cool. He does every once in awhile flop back down and do the commando thing. Funny kid. I am getting pretty frustrated with him biting and hitting me. He doesn't seem to do it to anyone else. I have several bruises and scabs on my elbow. And my face is all scratched up from him trying to rip my glasses off. Nice. Not sure how to get him to stop. My current way is to tell him to Stop! He doesn't like me to raise my voice so he starts to tear up. I have also told him NO and then just set him down on the ground so he is not in my arms anymore. This seems to be very disconcerting to him. Hopefully that will work. I am listening for suggestions.

Jeff seems to be doing better. Although he seems depressed. I will walk into the bedroom (his dungeon) and often he is just looking off into the nothingness of our room. He goes back to the Dr. tomorrow so hopefully he will be given some good news. Possibility of PT soon?! I think that will be nice for him. Even to get out and drive.

I have attached a picture of the infamous scratch from D****. What a little bitch!

A few other recent shots as well.

It's official..

2008-03-28T17:22:00.000-05:00

Soren crawls...

I really don't like this little girl!!

2008-03-27T19:01:00.002-05:00

So Veda tells me yesterday that D**** was making faces at her and called her "a loser" at school. Today I decided that the principal needed to know so I called and left him a message. I get over to my friend HH's who has V overnight tonight and V proceeds to tell me that D**** pushed her today and recess!! What? Are you kidding me. I immediately call and leave yet another message for her principal.

The night goes on and I get more and more pissed. Jeff does too. We (J and I) have an argument about me having to take control of this and him feeling that he has to "puss down" to me. UGH. I just figured I started it with her parents. I did offer that he could/should come with us on Friday when we met with the parents. Anyway- he called D****'s parents and basically asked them to keep her away from Veda.

I am furious! Now it is Spring Break so school will not resume until next Monday and D****'s consequence will be forgotten or she just won't understand why it's happening. This is really frustrating and I am not sure where to go with this.

The parents just called and they say they "are going to get her some professional help". Ya think?? We had a somewhat decent conversation. I think they understand how frustrated we are. I was told by a friend that I should contact the superintendent. I think we might.

On the bus

2008-03-21T05:41:00.002-05:00

Veda came home from school on Thursday with a big scratch under her eye. She proceeds to tell Jeff that D***** hit her, pushed her down and then scratched her!! My kid got beat up on the bus! So I find this out and call around to get the mom's number. Oh, now, she is such a lovely piece of work. This little D girl has already been suspended from school on at least one occasion that I know of. SHE IS IN FIRST GRADE! What on earth is this world coming to?

Did I mention that this little girl told Veda that she wanted to "kill your brother" and "your mom and dad are mean and I am going to poke them in the eye." Nice kid huh?

The mother proceeds to tell me that Veda has also been "causing problems". When I ask what problems she says "D**** says that Veda called her "brown". My heart jumps. I know that Veda would never do such a thing. Let me tell you I lost a lot of sleep over this one. We decide that it is best we meet to discuss the situation. Veda denies ever saying the "brown" comment. She was very honest and open with us. (I call the principal to inform him.)

We meet Friday morning and it goes okay. D**** apologizes to Veda (she still has a scratch on her face). Then the mother tells me that D**** lied about Veda calling her "brown". So a 6/7 year old has figured out that this is a good way to get people in trouble?! WTF! She apologizes.

I did end up talking to the principal and he will be investigating it today. There are video cameras on the bus so hopefully it was turned on and this little girl will have some pretty big consequences.

Veda was scared to go to school today because she thought D**** would beat her up again. D****'s parents state that she was adopted when she was 4 1/2 from Guatemala and spend most of that time in orphanages. They don't have her in therapy. Let me repeat... they DON'T have her in therapy. But they have time to take care of their 5 cats and 1 dog.

GRRR.

Soren and I are both home sick today. He has a double ear infection and bronchitis and I have the flu. Not the way I wanted to lose weight.

"Did he suffer?"

2008-03-19T19:44:00.002-05:00

Why can't grief be easy? There should be specific steps that you take with a certificate after completing each step! There shouldn't be any of this jumping around or "advanced grief"! What the hell is that?

So today Veda and I are walking out the door to go to piano lessons and she throws the "Did he suffer?" at me.

"Who, Veda?"

"Daddy Tad."

(The quickest answer I could come up with...) "No"

After a few seconds I decided she needed more than that. "No honey, I don't even think he knew what was going to happen. It happened so quickly that he body stopped working right away. There was no time for him to suffer. He didn't feel a thing."

So I hope that I am not lying to her. This is what I was told by Dr's and what the autopsy told me. Just too much trauma.

Jeff is coming along. He is trying to do too much I think. He is supposed to be resting and he is taking off the raised toilet seat! (Did I mention that the raised toilet seat sexually assaulted me one time in the middle of the night?! It was pretty freaky- glad it's gone.) He goes back in for another check up on 4-1 so hopefully he will be able to start PT after that. I think he is anxious to get moving more. He went for a walk yesterday- down to the gas station and brought home a gallon of milk. Shit head isn't supposed to carry that much. I think he may be trying to prove something to himself. I just love him. I sat last night and read through all of our old emails. As I told him last night- it's good to remember your history.

Soren is cute but quite frankly ticking me off. He has decided to not stay still when I am trying to change him. All moms know how annoying this is. My friends comment frequently on how my kids don't lie still to get diapers on. Why is that? Did I do something wrong? Must have skipped that page in the parenting manual. Oh yeah- my manual got destroyed in the Tsunami that hit Tecumseh last week. Bummer.

So is up again. What the hell? He should be sleeping through the night by now. He wants to see my head pop off I swear.

Standing and Walking

2008-03-18T11:41:00.004-05:00

So my husband is walking- pretty well actually. He is doing well in his recovery. I think he is probably pushing himself a bit too much. He is upset that he is getting skinny. Feels like he is losing a lot of muscle mass. Little does he know- it doesn't matter. And he can always "bulk up" after he is healed. I think he is bored and possibly a bit depressed. The weather will hopefully get better so he will be able to do some walks outside.

Soren is starting to pull up and stand next to the couch/table. I walked into the living room the other day and there he stood. Of course I made a bit of a loud noise and quickly went over to him. It scared him and he fell on his butt and started crying... Good one mom.

Veda is having her ups and downs. (Jeff and I wonder if this is typical behavior of a 7 year old or is it diagnosable??) She has lost 7 teeth now. She is really doing well in school. Just finished a huge project on the blue jay. She had to make a model and all. Very neat.

Work is calming down after last week. Had a week long full of events that I either planned or presented at. Long nights. But it is over. Thanks to HH for all the help!!

Home to my parents this weekend. So glad to get there. Miss them so much.

Great Weekend with friends

2008-03-02T08:31:00.004-06:00

So nice to be with girlfriends...

My friend Holly was in from PA and Beth from Ohio. Beth is moving back to MI and Holly looked at houses yesterday!! Life is good.

Jeff continues to struggle. I think I annoy him. His back is really swollen and he is concerned about it. We have a follow up on Tuesday so we should know more about it then.

Soren is napping so I need to catch a shower before I am needed somewhere.

Musty

2008-02-29T11:26:00.002-06:00

Things seem to be coming together. Somehow I have managed to keep my kids and my husband alive these past few days. Not sure how... I did forget to eat yesterday until about dinner time. UGH! I am back at work so trying to juggle all of this is tricky. But, I can do this. Like Barak Obama says "YES WE CAN!" I can with the help of my friends..

On that note... does anyone know of an award that you can give to people who save your life daily? If so I have about 10 people who deserve to get it. I never knew friendships really meant all of this. I am so lucky.

Jeff is healing. Slowly. He is still walking like a cute little old man. He has slowed on the pain meds as they make him real groggy. He actually played a bit of World of Warcraft today so you know he is feeling a bit better. We have it all set up for him in the bedroom. I plan to make him shower today. That will be interesting. These wash ups have been fun but I am ready to hose him down. I know he will feel better when he is clean. It's not fun to be musty.

My folks are off to some foreign land- what a way to retire. They are having so much fun. I just hope that we plan that well so we can do that too.

Again, thanks for all of your thoughts.

Trying to stay above water.

2008-02-27T19:47:00.003-06:00

He pooped. We're home. Not sure how comfortable I am with that. I am sure it will be fine. My friend K went and picked up his walker and raised toilet seat so he can be more comfortable. He is sleeping now- didn't get much sleep at the hospital. Still very sore. It was a tough ride home for him.

I am worried about going to work. I am planning on going in for awhile tomorrow to try and catch up. I have so much shit to do. But you know what, I can do it. I have done it before. And this time help is to come. He is only down and out for awhile. Off to go fold laundry.

Poop

2008-02-27T08:44:00.002-06:00

Isn't it funny how important it is to poop? We are waiting here at the hospital until he is able to do this most important process. There is a small chance that he may have ileus- which means that his intestines may have stopped working for a bit. This could be caused by the anesthesia. Not sure this is what is going on but the boy has not pooped. If this is the case he would need to be in the hosital a few more days. They would stop food intake and put a tube down his throat to clean out his belly. Then his body would slowly start to work things through again. Hopefully he does not have this.

We will wait and see how today goes- he may come home today. I am nervous about taking him home and caring for him. Especially since I have two kids and a full time job. But we will make it. Always do.

His pain seems to be a bit better today. He was up walking around 5 times yesterday and 2 times today. I have a script for a walker and raised comode. Fun. He is farting like a trooper so let's hope we get some real substance..

The kids are doing great with this. Veda has been a bit anxious about her Daddy. I took her out for a special mommy daughter breakfast this morning. She needed it. Soren just needs to sleep. Little shit was up several times last night. Just needed some loving I guess. More later.

In his room

2008-02-25T19:32:00.002-06:00

We are finally up in his room. He is in a lot of pain. They have him on some pretty good drugs but I can still tell that he is really hurting. Looks like 3-5 days until we go home. Both Veda and Soren are in bed thanks to my parents. Both happy. All is good.

ALL GOOD

2008-02-25T15:21:00.002-06:00

So the Dr. just came to get me. He pulled me into a little side room which I have to admit my heart dropped through the floor- I was sure something really bad had happened. Looks like everything will be okay. They replaced 3 disks. They caged in the disks with titanium rods, screws and cadaver bones. Yum. The Dr. said it was a bit worse than what he expected. Now comes the recovery. We will have about 3 days in the hospital. He will wear a protective brace for 4-6weeks then move from there. I am glad this part is over. Now I just want to see him.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. We used up every single one of them.

Waiting..

2008-02-25T12:43:00.002-06:00

So here we sit at the hospital just waiting. They took Jeff back about 2 hours ago and we got the call an hour ago that the surgery had started. Looks like I should be able to see him again around 6pm tonight. About a 3-4 procedure. Just received a call from the surgery room and they say "everything is going fine."

My stomach is squiggly. I am anxious. Thank goodness for my parents. I have one on each side of me now.

Send Jeffe good vibes.

Sorry...

2008-02-24T09:09:00.005-06:00

It's been a long time. I know. Things are busy here. Jeff has surgery tomorrow. They are replacing 2 of his disks with titanium stuff then sculpting cadaver bone around it. YUCK! He will be in the hospital for 3-5 days and has a pretty lengthy recovery. 6-8 weeks VERY restricted and another 6-8 months with no lifting or twisting. So he can't hold Soren for the next 8 months.. Hopefully all will go well and he will be back in working shape sooner than later. I am also worried about how I am going to hold the fort down with work, two kids, animals and I am supposed to be getting ready for my big social work license exam.

I think we are both a bit anxious. When you are that close to the central nerve... Let's just hope they don't slip.

Veda turned 7 yesterday. She also lost her 5th tooth. Belinda her tooth fairy gave her a little somethin somethin extra. She was pretty excited. She has a talent show on Friday- playing piano.

Soren starts daycare full time tomorrow. I don't want to talk about it... He will be fine. He is growing like a weed. Still not wanting to give in to crawling. He likes his army commando crawl. Works fine for him. He is pretty much eating "people" food. Only a few more baby food jars in our house. He has 6 teeth and is working on a few more I think.

I have my big Disability Awareness Week at my job the week of March 10th. Hope I can pull this all off on top of stuff here. I have been planning all year.

And on the saddest note... Our very close family friend Bishop Thomas Makarios died yesterday. He was in a car accident on 1-5-08 and was never able to recover.

Sorry I couldn't get that one picture to rotate.

Send Jeffe good thoughts tomorrow around noon.

2008-01-23T15:07:00.000-06:00

Not much new info. We are waiting to see if J will be able to maintain his job with the hospital he is currently at. I say "Who Cares?!" He needs to get this done. We are just waiting to find out exactly what his restrictions will be after surgery.

Work is good. I leave for New Orleans a week from today. I will be there three nights and four days. LONG DAYS...

I am going to hate not being able to put my boy to bed. I am such a kid hog. I swear once you have kids you never want to leave them. Well, I guess my parents are okay with me being gone so it must happen someday. But for me it is surely not anytime soon.

I have to schedule to take my Social Work Examination soon. Within the next year. I hate tests. I have such anxiety. I really need to start looking at the books. To buy the study guide is well over 200 dollars! UGH! (I know that my money tree will bloom soon. I planted it years ago.)

So is cutting his 4 top teeth. He is doing such a good job. Poor little boy.

That's the update.

Surgery it is...

2008-01-22T17:09:00.000-06:00

So we are looking at surgery. Not sure of the date. All we know is that it consists of screws, metal bars and "bones from a bone bank". (Yes, dead people's bones will be used to reconstruct my husband's spine!!) The recovery will be 6-8 weeks with an additional 6-8 months with restrictions. This means Jeff is checking to see if he will get disability, if he will be able to keep his job and if he is able to keep his job can he work with restrictions for the 6-8 months...

A lot to figure out. But hey- he is alive and does not have cancer. It will all work out.

CLEAR!!

2008-01-18T11:30:00.000-06:00

Jeff just called and we are in the clear!!

FFFEEEWWWW!!! What a relief. Now we just need to figure out what is going on. Appointment still to come on Tuesday.

And by the way- CANCER STILL SUCKS!

Tuesdays should be dispensible...

2008-01-16T09:25:00.000-06:00

So my kids are great! They are fine. Not one problem on the horizon. No sniffles. No blocked pooper. We are clear. Veda has even been somewhat sweet to us lately. Using her please and thank yous a lot.

Jeff on the other hand.... We went to the Spine Dr. yesterday. My first time going with him. (I really need to go every time b/c I found out a lot.) Jeff reports to the intern that his pain ranges from a 0-8. What!? I knew it didn't feel good but an 8. And an 8 from Jeff is a 15 for me I am sure. The boy doesn't complain much. I swear it's a boy thing. I also found out that his left foot is numb all the time. HELLO! Should we be concerned? YES!!

Jeff gets up and show the Dr. his back and the Dr. looks concerned. Good! He notices that there is a large change. Then he starts asking questions about weight loss (Jeff has lost 18 pounds in the past 4-6 months) and pain scales. He then notices that Jeff's back is swollen. So he decides that he wants to get more blood work and a second MRI. We go and get the blood work done with no problems.

Later in the night I am lying in bed and Jeff comes in and lies next to me.

"I have to tell you something. You are going to be mad at me if I don't."

"Okay, what?" (I am thinking- who did he kill? Sleep with? Is the house on fire? Is there a big booger on my nose?)

"You do know what that blood test was for don't you?"

"No."

"It was a C-Met (?) it checks for cancer..."

Sweating immediately occurs. What? Are you Fucking kidding me? It makes sense thought. Weight loss, pain, shifting.. But it just can't be. So now we have to wait until Tuesday to find anything out!! And I sit trying not to let J know that I am freaking out. He seems so calm about it. I shouldn't even worry about it until we know more. Ugh. I am worried about it. I am so worried that something may happen to my Jeffe. I don't want to have him be sick or hurt. I don't want him to be in pain anymore. Someone please take this away. I am ready to recycle this back issue. Recycle it back to where it came from.

On the bright side- the Dr. is currently paying attention. There will be movement now.

I am applying now for my reality TV show.

Life- as an adult...

2008-01-03T10:41:00.000-06:00

Seriously, I am old. I am coming close to banking in on my 35th birthday... UGH.

So is better- on an antibiotic. He had an ear infection and sore throat. He continues to be silly. He has been lucky enough to spend time with his CB the last two days. He loves her... (So do I!)

Again I experienced one of those mother nights... 11:30 at night- fast asleep... "mom, mom, mom... MOM!" Veda standing over me at the side of the bed. I can see her face is flushed in the dark. Shit. I knew it. She wasn't joking yesterday when she said her throat hurt. She is notorious for being sick for a moment then a rapid recovery! MAGIC! I wish I could put that in a bottle.

Dr. B has no openings today so we will be going to the walk in tonight. I swear I must have funded that man's retirement. But I love him. He is a wonderful Doctor.

So there has been no heat at work for the last 2 days. No really- no heat. I have Veda with me today at work (thinking that by now it would have been fixed). She is under her blanket with a room heater on her, snow boots, a hat, winter coat and sweatshirt. At least she is warm...

Jeff thought his back was getting better yesterday! We go on the 15th to see the spine surgeon. I hope this gets fixed soon. If not I fear I may lose my boy to depression- or he may just break out the kitchen knife and try his had at being a surgeon.

Students are back on Monday. Looking forward to the excitement of a new semester.

Did you all read about the man who killed 5 people in the Toledo area? He was drunk driving.. Well, his brother (the one who is quoted frequently in the papers) is my student. It was my students truck that hit the mini-van. I am so sad for the family and my student. His life is ruined now too. What one bad choice can do. GW- I hope you aren't the one chosen to defend him. That would be ugly.

I ordered my new camera!! It should be here tomorrow! I think I am going to go into photography!!

Lupus

2007-12-28T19:03:00.001-06:00

So have you ever heard of a dog having Lupus? Well, Madchen was diagnosed today with it. Not sure what it means but I just know my dog has lupus.

Not sure what to expect tomorrow.

Calmer now..

2007-12-27T06:13:00.000-06:00

Things have settled down a bit. Jeff still has high b/p and Veda is still questioning but we are dealing better with it. Jeff continues to take his two medications a day and we will wait and see. He is calling the spine surgeon today to try and schedule yet another appointment with him (I guess you have a certain protocol you have to follow (several appointments) before they will do the surgery). He continues to do PT but doesn't feel that much better.

Veda had a great Christmas. There have been several times over the past days that we have spent time just hugging- even crying at times. Still questioning me but not sitting me down at the kitchen table to do it. It is much more relaxed. I asked her if she wanted to go back to a therapist and she said yes. Now I am debating on if I should take her back to the same one we went to a year or so ago or find someone new.

We spent time with my mom and dad and are finally home. We have a few more places to go and that overwhelms me a bit. I am feeling the need to hunker at home and take care of some long awaited projects- cleaning... Things you don't normally get a chance to do when you are a working mom.

My family decided to donate money to http://www.kiva.org/ for the holidays rather than exchange gifts. What a fun thing. I am glad that I didn't come home with a bunch of stuff I didn't need.

So loved his first Christmas. Veda got AG doll itty bitty babies from Santa as where so got a rocking bug. We had a great time with both of our families. We had to reschedule with Tad's family so we go up there on Sunday.

Looking up..

2007-12-21T07:01:00.000-06:00

So Jeff still has a high B/P and it is still a big issue but we are feeling a little less scared about it. Dr. B just wants us to wait for a bit and let the medicine soak in... I think we both slept a bit last night.

Jeff did make it to work today so he is feeling OK enough to do that. Good thing because he is scheduled to work the next 3 days.

I am officially on holiday break!! Well, I have an office party for a few hours today but you really can't count that as work. Eating and laughing is holiday to me.

So and I are enjoying the morning together. We are doing laundry, getting out the vacuum and hopefully getting to that present room upstairs to get wrapping!!

Here is my wish for the new year... I wish I could be home with my kids. I do love my job. I just love my kids A LOT MORE!!

Finally I am getting the holiday spirit. Took awhile this year.

Rember when being high was fun??

2007-12-20T09:26:00.000-06:00

I remember the days... high was fun. Now that I am an adult it takes on a totally different meaning. Now it refers to my husbands blood pressure. I was listening to NPR on the way in this morning and they were talking about the new generation of "emerging adults aged 18-25"... when did I leave that group?! I can't believe that we are middle aged. This whole incident has made me realize that no longer are the days of being young- we are in the mid of our life.... I am going out to by my red HUMMER or Corvette later today.

Jeff's BP is still high. He is going to therapy for his back today and will hopefully get in to see Dr. B again to discuss more options. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you- last night after my first post we ended up calling Dr. B b/c his B/p was 160/98(ish) and he was feeling really symptomatic- light headed, dizzy, headache. He ended up prescribing yet a second medication for him. I went out and got it and that seemed to help a bit. But here we are today- with F***** high blood pressure.

I am trying not to freak out but I have to be honest... my armpits are sweaty. Really sweaty! I am trying really hard not to let Jeff know that I am worried. That would only make him more upset/worried.

On a good note- we are still a happy family. So and Veda are both healthy- physically....

The last 24 hours.... ARE YOU KIDDING?!

2007-12-19T15:36:00.000-06:00

So it begins with Veda, Jeff and myself having a conversation about Tad. Over the past 2-3 weeks Jeff and I have both noticed that she has been much more preoccupied with Tad and his death. More tears. More questions. More "I wish he was here". Well, last night she had lots of questions. Quite a few that left me without breath to answer. "How did it happen?" "What was broken?" "Why can't he come back?" These questions were asked with much more intensity last night. Not just the passing "Where is he?" Thank God I had Jeff there with me. I kept whispering "help me, help." And of course, he did.

Then she says... "My brain is separated into four parts. One part is happy, one is kind of happy, one is MAD and one is sad. When I think about Daddy Tad I am in the sad part. But it's like I am swirling around." WHAT!? Are you kidding me that a 6 year old is talking like this! Shit I need therapy. I need to know how to go about this.

She continues to tell us that she lies in bed some nights thinking about the accident. She has made up this whole scene in her head. What she has made up consists of a stop light, Tad and another car. This is not what happened and I explained that to her. She just wants to know more and I don't know how vague we should be. Telling her that "It was just a bad accident" is not working anymore. She wanted to know what was broken on his body and what he looked like.

Suggestions??

So then this morning I am getting ready to leave for work and I get a call from Jeff. He is in the ER at his place of employment. Not working- A PATIENT!! His blood pressure sky rocketed to something like 210/115. And it was there for awhile. Needless to say we spend the morning there and then we proceeded to go to Dr. B's. Now Jeff is on medication and we bought a blood pressure cuff to keep here at the house. We checked it at home and it was 150/94- still high. This is after the Catapres they gave him at the hospital...

Dr. B thinks it is a combination of things, stress, not working out as much due to his back injury and possibly genetics. So Jeff is convinced that it is because he can't get out and exercise as much now that he is home with Soren so much. I am going to try and find something for Soren to do more often so Jeff can have some time to reconnect to Nature- that will reduce his stress and provide exercise for him. I know that he has been depressed since his back injury. He has lost 16 lbs. I told him today that he signed a contract that CLEARLY states that he cannot die before I do. What the hell is he doing at 35 having high blood pressure?! This was not part of our plan.

I know he will be fine but I feel so bad for him. He doesn't want to take medication or have to watch what he eats. We don't even use salt.

Ugh.

Then Veda comes home today from school with a book she has written. It is called "My Dad(s)" On the cover it has a picture of a car. Page 2- "My dad I never nuw al thoor my livef." There is a picture of Veda with tears running down her face. Page 3- "He got hit by a car." A picture of Tad lying on the road with X's on his eyes and a flat line across his head. Page 4- My only dad atill I was threre." A picture of Jeff and Veda both saying "Hi". Page 5- "A rill story. About my dad." Picture of a broken heart.

What the f**k am I supposed to do for her. I hate Tad for just dying and leaving me, and Jeff, to help Veda figure out how to grieve for him.

Sorry about the uplifting post.

Not sure what to make of this...

2007-12-15T07:02:00.000-06:00

So we had a slumber party last night. Veda has wanted to sleep with us for a long time so we decided last night to put in Harry Potter and all sleep in our big bed. So in the middle of the night this is the conversation that takes place.... (and just think of my with a squeaky voice as it has left me for a few days now)

"Mom?"

"Yes Boo."

"I love you."

"I love you too Boo."

"Mom?"

"Yes Ved, it's still time to sleep.."

"I have the best mom.... right now."

Silence

More Silence

"Um- thanks...."

Then we drift back to sleep. Well, I laid there for a bit thinking "who do have to compete with in the future? Is she planning on killing me off and getting a new mom? Is this about a potential mother in law?" Needless to say I was awake for awhile thinking on this. I though it was kind of odd that she would add the qualifier "right now".

So has his second tooth coming in. He is eating like a hippo. My friend CB said she thinks it's funny that Soren is advanced with everything to do with food. She's right... the straw.

We are making my grandmother's recipe for cinnamon rolls today. We go for our holiday celebration with Tad's family tomorrow so I though I would take those. And Veda is making me decorate today. I have been not wanting to just because I am tired.

Sitting Handsome

2007-12-10T06:00:00.000-06:00

Aren't they so cute together? If you look really close you can see his crooked tooth. (Not really...)

Teeth and Sata

2007-12-08T07:22:00.000-06:00

We have a tooth!! And we are sitting- well I won't totally leave him alone but this is progress! I think he still has a bit of the lazies... not crawling yet. I think Veda was 8 months when she started crawling. Things are good.

V has her Santa letter already at the fireplace...
"Dear Sata how are you doing? I allredy have lats of toys if you run owt of pezins you can give the pepoll with no toys toys. Love Veda. P.S. Can i have a idey bity baby Amaracin gill doll. do you like chock chep cookis. what do you do the rest of the yery. can you grant whithis? P.S. if you do can you mack me have whing's. i whant to now how mach ilfs do you have? what are there names. love veda sata clas"

I just love her...

Long time...

2007-12-02T18:19:00.000-06:00

Sorry it's been awhile. I forget to get to this... Well, So went on his first ER trip today. Both he and Veda are sick. Pretty sick. Veda is puking and pooping while so is congested and has a high fever. He was pretty much up all night. And when he did sleep- I was holding Veda's hair as she puked in the trash can. Needless to say I am tired. Very tired.

I am going to stay home tomorrow and try and get the boy up and healthy again.

He says "Da Da" now. And he is pulling his legs up under himself. I have to admit the boy is lazy. He wants you to move him. But it is coming. He eats A LOT. Weighing in at 20 lbs- we have had to switch car seats already.

Veda is doing well. Still loving piano. We had conferences for her last week and only got wonderful reports. Reading like a wild woman.

Everything else is good. Still working on staying healthy. I need to keep up with exercise. By the time I get home from work I am ready for bed. Where my parents like this? I remember them staying awake- at least my mom. Jeff and I were in bed at 8:30 on Saturday. Losers!!

I will try to stay more current here.

I LOVE Halloween!!

2007-10-31T19:25:00.001-05:00

We had such a good time. I love to see the kids get dressed up and run around begging for candy.

Things are going well. Had a great day. Got to meet Daniel Tammet... one of the 50 smartest people in the world. Spent the morning with him. Pretty cool. You should google him.

Kids are happy. So made it through his first big holiday. And he was a wonderful bat. And Veda's costume was hand made by my mom. Such a lovely cat isn't she. If you can't tell... Jeff and I are Sally and Jack Skelington (I don't know how to spell that one...)

my child weighs 20 lbs. MOOSE BABY!

2007-10-16T17:23:00.001-05:00

Here are some more recent pictures. We have been pretty busy. Doing well. Although as I type Jeff is in bed with a fever... All is well here. The top picture is of us at Adrian Homecoming a few weeks ago. Then here we are at the pumpkin festival near my sisters house.

Can you believe those cheeks?

Ronald Weasley in our psuedo pond...

2007-10-01T06:05:00.000-05:00

I realized recently that I have raised a daughter who loves things like I do. Yesterday we had this big talk about Ronald Weasley- a frog who lives in our back yard. She is genuinely concerned about how he is going to make it through the winter. I just love her. Now here comes the situation- I feel like I should bring him in from the cold and let him live with us for the winter. I am afraid he does not have enough space out there. He will freeze I am sure of it. So do frogs freeze in the winter? I should google that.

Soren was up a lot last night. He was getting better but you know as soon as you start to brag they revert... He rolled over from back to front then front to back yesterday. He rolled of the blanket. Veda was so excited! We'll see how long it takes him to do it again. He is eating green beans now. I know- you shouldn't give them anything but breast milk until 4 months... This boy is a pig. Not only do I have to supplement with formula but now we have decided to give him cereal and start food. And he is LOVING IT!! I honestly think the boy has been hungry.

Veda is writing and illustrating books. She is receiving advanced spelling words from her teacher and doing tons of math. I would say that this year things are going to be better for her. She feels like she is doing work that is worthwhile. She is spending a lot of her time under head phones listening to High School Musical II. I don't know how anyone can listen to that. (But I often catch myself singing it. Gross.)

Have a bunch of wonderful friends coming this weekend for our college homecoming!! I am so excited to see my friend SOTBS's baby!! Can't wait! He is only a month older than Soren.

Jeff is doing well. Although he needs to get his back fixed. He still can barely stand up straight. I think he will have to go in for surgery at some point.

Baby is awake.

Our first family Bulldog game.

2007-09-23T19:05:00.000-05:00

Here we are enjoying the new stadium. Veda is trying out for quarterback next season. Soren is just enjoying the smalls skirts on the cheer team. We had a blast. Then we went to the Ren Fest today. So much fun. Different with a baby though- unable to watch the joust as the screaming people completely freaked him out. Also got to see some good friends for a few minutes. All and all a great weekend.

Between the snot and fever...

2007-09-20T15:42:00.000-05:00

So pretty much my whole family has been ill this week. I made it until yesterday before it hit me. Now I am here with my head ready to blow up.. I need a stiff drink to clear this up.

This week has been okay for me. Work and kids. Little Jeff time this week which has been a bummer. He has picked up a few evening shifts and, well- we have two kids.

Okay, yet another quirky thing I have done. Today is exactly as many days (134) that Veda was alive before Tad died. Today Soren is 134 days old. And at 6:18 it will be the exact amount of time. I looked at Soren this morning and looked at Jeff and said "He is just so little". I made Jeff promise not to go anywhere- he is good enough to humor me and let me be a freak about this. I just have time issues. You all know that. It will be good to have today over with. That is really the last "time" thing that I have obsessed about.

Work is going well. I really like it where I am. Lots of needy students though. I feel like a mother to a lot of the kids on campus.

One of my dear friends had a miscarriage this week. Life is so FU***NG unfair! She is strong and brave and is handling it much better that I ever would. I will get to hug her this weekend.

Veda is enjoying school. Though she said to me the other day "Mom. Mrs. X (of course not really X) is not challenging me." Now I don't know if she is saying this just to get my goat or if she really feels this way.

The life of a working mom isn't all that fun. No time to even work out. I miss my friends.

Tub time

2007-09-05T18:44:00.000-05:00

So things are going well. Busy I bet you can assume since I barely have time to sit and blog. Work keeps me 9 hours a day and the kids/house/husband the fill the rest.

Work is fun. I enjoy it. I think I am settling in okay. I am teaching a study skills course and feel pretty confident in what I am doing. Next semester is Reasearch Paper Writing- UGH. But it will be okay. Meeting a lot of students and trying to remember names. That is going to kill me I swear.

Funny about Soren. He has decided that the "cool" thing to do when he takes a bath is to hold on to his "package" the whole time. I kid you not. I have pictures to prove. I would post them here but I know I would end up in jail.

Veda started school yesterday and is really liking her teacher. I can't wait to meet her- we have open house tomorrow night. Two of her best friends are in her class. But I am having a heck of a time getting her to eat lunch. I think she spends too much time talking.

Jeff is doing well. He is worried about his job. The hospital he works for doesn't seem to be doing that well. I think he may start putting his feelers out.

Long time no blog...

2007-08-30T20:10:00.000-05:00

Work work work. I swear that is what I have been doing. And I like it! The job is good. It is surely hard to be away from the kids but at least I like what I am doing. Soren (otherwise known as So-So) is digging time with dad and CB. Glad that is working out well. Soren continues to grow. I can hardly stand it. I forgot what it was like to have a baby. And yes, he is sleeping a bit better. We are working on it.

Veda is up with my parents this week. Her last week of summer she wants to spend with Ga and Poppie. Soren and I are going up on Saturday morning as Jeff has to work all weekend. No work on Monday so that will be nice. A little time to catch up. Hopefully meet up with some friends. Is this the holiday you cook out?

Off to sleep. Haven't had much time to exercise so I am extra tired. Need to get back on the band wagon.

Yo Yo what up?

2007-08-18T15:38:00.001-05:00

Things have been hectic here. Busy trying to get ready for students to come, school shop, and juggle two kids and a house. I am really liking this job. The next few weeks will be CRAZY because all of the students come in. On Monday we have 570 freshman come in for placement testing and my office is the one that runs it. UGH! We will make it though.

Soren and Veda and doing well. Soren is starting to laugh- with his belly. He has done this several times while watching Veda of course. He is rolling over and still doing better with sleeping. Most nights now he is only up once. There are the occasional nights where he is still up 5-7 times but they are not every night and for that I am thankful.

Still working on getting rid of the baby body. Have about 11 more pounds until I reach my goal weight. Frustrating. I know- it's only been 3 months. But I am impatient and want to wear my red pants.

Jeff is doing well. There is a big hullabaloo at the hospital which has him looking for another job. Long story but he is just looking.

Not much else. Made cookies today. I wish I could open a cookie shop. I love to bake. In another life time I guess.

Cross your fingers (toes, legs, arms, hairs and eyes)

2007-08-12T06:42:00.000-05:00

So I don't want to jinx myself again but- Soren has only woken up one time for the last three nights!! This may be a fluke pattern but I think not. Keep them crossed for me.

Work is going well. Nice to be off for the weekend. I forgot what it was like to live for Saturday and Sunday- time with family.

Pics

2007-08-09T19:55:00.000-05:00

My kids are so cute. I know- my cat need to be on a diet before she eats Soren. But she is sexy.

The calm

2007-08-09T16:32:00.000-05:00

I like this job. Although I know this is the calm before the storm. The entering class of the college I am working at is almost 600. This is a huge class for this small liberal arts college. And I am not sure if they are ready for it. So in my office we are getting ready for orientation and getting all of those students the services they need. We have identified at least 50 who have some sort of disability and may be seeking services from me. That is in the fresh class alone!! So I am getting ready for a few really busy weeks.

Soren only woke up 2 times last night. Most other nights it is still 5 times but 2 times this week alone he has let me sleep a bit more. He is getting bigger and bigger. Officially a thumb sucker. Cheeks made of chocolate.

Veda is acting different. I think something is bothering her. It could be her brother, me working, summer- we are just not sure. She just seems to be much more sensitive lately. Overly so.

Jeff's feet are almost healed up. I think he is enjoying being around with Soren and Veda more.

Off to try and spend time with the family. I will try and be better about blogging.

Some days I wish I was Stephanie Plum...

First week complete

2007-08-03T16:07:00.000-05:00

I am feeling a bit better than last post. A bit more settled. I think I will really like this job once the kids arrive. Should be fun.

Soren spent his first day with CB- his second mom. He told me on the way home that he loves her (and he said it with a twang in his voice). Like he is rubbing it in. I was so glad all day knowing that he was safe and being loved by her.

Veda had a blast with her friend J today. I hope they get married.

Off to start my weekend. YEAH!

Day two..

2007-08-02T18:44:00.000-05:00

It was better. I feel a bit more settled but I sure don't know what I am doing yet. That will come with time I am sure. The woman who had the job before me came in to assist me in finding my way around my new office.

Soren is doing well with me being gone. Glad about that. He goes to my friends CB today for the first time. I love this set up!

Veda is not wanting me to be working but handling it pretty well. She thinks it is hilarious that I am going to be teaching college kids.

Jeff went up to A2 last night to order our Prius. I am excited- I guess. As much as you can be excited about a car... Now we just need to replace the BEAST when the lease is up. Mother Earth will thank me then.

More later.

OVERWHELMED!

2007-08-01T18:52:00.001-05:00

First day went as any other first day should go. I felt completely out of sorts. It will be okay though. The woman who had this job before me is going to come in tomorrow to give me a few hours of advice. I think I will like it.

Soren didn't sleep much last night. Go figure. He is already in bed tonight so I hope this is a sign he is tired and will sleep longer tonight.

I don't want to be away from my kids... It has made me a bit grumpy. I have just done this "new" things several times over the past years and I really don't like change. Adjustment will come and I will figure out a way to pump at work- one of my major concerns. (That only worked one time today.)

Sleeping 9-5 what a way to make mom happy!!

2007-07-31T07:29:00.000-05:00

It's true. But I don't want to jinx it. (I literally checked on him to see if his was breathing.)

Tomorrow I start work. Today was the last day of getting up on my time and having my morning. From now on it will be rushing around getting two kids ready to go. But I have to admit that I am really excited about the job.

The other good piece of news is that I can fit in to some of my clothes. I was worried that I would have to go buy new clothes before work- but I think I will be able to pull it off. Although there may be some extra skin seeping over my hips.

Jeff is home and his feet are swollen and blistered. He said he had a great time. I think he would go off and be one of those crazy hikers who do the whole trail if he didn't have us.

We went and looked at a Prius last night. I think we are going to take the plunge and order one. Can't beat what it won't do to the environment.

Fun the tub.

2007-07-30T20:14:00.000-05:00

I officially have a thumb sucker. Today he has decided that the thumb is a good thing. I am so happy!! If I wouldn't wake him, I would go upstairs now and take a picture as he has fallen asleep in his swing with his thumb crammed down this throat. Love him.

Updated pics...

2007-07-28T20:21:00.000-05:00

On the jet ski with H. Before the knock off...

Finally found his thumb. Now let's pray he keeps using it!! I know I will regret saying that in a few years...

Veda and her friend H at Ga and Poppies house this past week. Aren't they so cute?? This is right before I took them tubing and knocked H off! So fun!

Here Soren is in his "manly" swing. (It was the only portable one they had! He is man enough to sit in it.)

Lake life

2007-07-28T07:04:00.000-05:00

We have been gone at my parents the last several days- at the lake. I love it there. Riding jet skis, boating and relaxing! So now we are home.

I am a bit panicked since I start work on Wednesday. I had promised Veda we would get her room finished before I went back to work so we are going to be working on that today. I already have the wall paper off and it repainted. Now we just have to hang curtains and put up these doohickeys that make the room cute.

Veda's grandparents are coming today. They will hopefully be okay with us finishing her room while they are here.

Jeff is still hiking. He is doing the PA portion of the Appalachian trail this week. I can't wait until he is home. I miss him like crazy! I got to talk to him a bit a few days ago and he said they were having a really good time. Fun stories like sleeping with bats and snakes.

Still having a difficult time with Soren and getting him to sleep. Of course I didn't make it any better by letting him just sleep with me at my parents house. Last night was hell. I was up most of the night trying not to let myself put him in my bed. I need to break him of this waking up 5-10 times a night. I can't do it much longer. And I think he is to small to let him just cry it out. In a year I won't remember this. Right?

Boob vs. bean

2007-07-20T13:44:00.001-05:00

Boob wins.

Day three of bean.

2007-07-19T07:35:00.000-05:00

Today begins the third day of soy. I am not convinced yet. I think he is feeling a little better but he is not "a different baby" like I have heard some people say about their baby when soy is introduced. I committed to give it through today. If I am still questioning then maybe I will give it tomorrow as well. I just don't want to do it if it's not what is best of Soren. (And yes, I know, breast milk is always best- but he seems a bit happier.)

Jeff leaves Monday for his hike. Boo hiss. The kids and I may go up North so we can be with my folks. Always have fun there. And this will be my last full week off before I start my new job. OH MY GOSH! I only have a few more days. How quickly that went. My heart breaks.

With SS- the saga has ended and I got screwed. Yes, I have to pay them back. I guess the dipshit that I spoke with didn't know what the hell he was talking about. They cound the entire calendar year- even if you stop payments on your own. How was I supposed to know I would get a job and make money at the begining of the year? As my good friend E said "BASTARDS"!

Some pictures from the cabin. I think it is completely unfair that neither of my kids look anything like me!!

Boob vs. Bean

2007-07-17T16:54:00.000-05:00

Went up North to Jeff's cabin and had a good time. Some friends went with us and we really enjoyed ourselves. Veda went on with them and is now still camping. She'll be home tomorrow.

Jeff had his first full day with Soren. It went well. I am so glad. Not that I didn't think it would I just wanted it to. I worked for Hospice and that went well too.

So Jeff and I decided to just try soy formula (after a few really rough days- MR. GRUMP) and see what happens. Well, he has been on it for 24 hours and if what I see sticks- we have dropped the boob. He has been happy since I got home from work and Jeff says he had a pretty good day. I don't want to stop nursing for numerous reasons (cost, connection, JUST BECAUSE) but I don't think it is fair for him to be uncomfortable- if that is truly what it is. We are going to give it a few more days to see. So for now- I am a cow. I actually had to pump in the car today. Pretty funny trying to hide from those truck drivers. I was worried I would get in an accident and they would find a breast pump stuck to my forehead.

Anxious about the new job. Looking forward to it but anxious as it is only a few weeks away. I will be away from my kids all day 5 days a week. UGH!

The government workers lied!

2007-07-14T07:59:00.000-05:00

So last year, when I started to actually make money, I informed Social Security that I wanted them to cancel my death benefits as I would soon be reaching the maximum amount you can earn for the year. So, that's what they did. They told me there would be no penalties and I was in the clear. The next month I got a check. I quickly took it into the SS office and returned it. This happened one other time. Each time I made sure that I was "kosher" with getting married and starting working. Each time I was told that I was fine.

Well, yesterday I get a letter from SS telling me that I owe them over $8,000 due to overpayment for last year. First of all they didn't give me $8,000 in the months I received SS. They are saying that I owe them and I should pay now. WHAT?! Didn't I get this all figured out. I was so anal about it and made sure all of my ducks where in a row. I spent hours sitting in the damn office and on the phone with those people. I am so sad, angry and freaked out. Since I haven't been working for the last 2 months money is not something we can just hand out. Especially $8,000. Right now I hate the SS office. Except for the woman who is now "investigating this issue" for me.

Soren was up 6 times last night. Really, I am open for suggestions....

I am so tired.

Trolls

2007-07-13T20:13:00.000-05:00

The best part of my day today was watching Veda pick a booger for the troll that lives under the bridge. She believes that if you feed him boogers he will befriend you. She was also making sure each of the clouds in the sky was something- a dinosaur, a rat, a muffin top. I love watching her imagination work. I miss the days where I had that type of imagination.

We are headed up north for the weekend with some friends. Looking forward to using an outhouse all weekend. UGH.

Still getting up about 5 times a night with the little man. Thank goodness I love him.

2007-07-11T17:09:00.000-05:00

Today marks the last day of the hard days... Today is Tad's birthday. I am glad to have these dates behind me- yet another year. Glad to have gotten through it. It seems that each year continues to get a bit different. Not better- but different. I guess I handle my grief differently with each passing day. And I have a whole new set of distractions now with Soren here.

Today was nice. Went and worked out then walked down to the DG for lunch. Jeff is working midnights tonight so here I sit- Veda is at her friend S's house and doesn't want to leave. I thought I would do something with her to celebrate "Daddy Tad's" birthday. Ice cream or shots of whip cream.

2007-07-11T10:21:00.000-05:00

Went to see Dr. B yesterday for Soren's 2 month well check. He is 13 lbs and 23 1/2 inches long. He is growing well. He said that I should just forget about the jaundice because it isn't enough to worry about. And when I asked him about Soren's sleeping- he just said "Don't worry. He is a baby. He will grow out of it." So again last night I was up 5 times with the boy. That does not include bringing him into bed with me at 5:00 and all of the snuggles I had to do after that. My friend HL thinks that Soren is using me as a pacifier and/or I am part of the problem. Since he can smell milk on me etc. She offered to come and stay over for a night so we could run an experiment but I don't want her to have to do that. I just need to figure out a way to help him sleep more. I tried the swing again last night but didn't make any difference.

Soren's daytime is getting better. He is more jovial and interactive. We are having fun with him.

Next week will be the first time I am actually going to be away for any length of time. I am going into Hospice to pack up and fill in for my co-worker (only a few days). I am interested to see how it will go. Did I tell you that my friend CB said she would watch Soren for us!!! We are so thrilled and so lucky to know that he will be in the loving arms of a friend.

I can't believe that summer is almost over for me. We are thinking about going up north this weekend to Jeff's cabin. We haven't been there is such a long time.

2007-07-08T16:16:00.000-05:00

Sucka!

This is how it went. (Really, this guy held me at gun point. I HAD to do it.. At least that's what I told Jeff.) The door bell rang and Veda ran to get the door. She opens this door and there is a man standing there. I would say he was in his early 20's- college kid. He starts giving me this babble about kids books and I say "No thanks, I'm all set." The next thing I know this guy is sitting on my couch with books spread everywhere!! Needless to say, I am the sucka. I ended up purchasing some books. Only a few. Well, okay- they were pretty expensive. I have to say in my defense that the books are pretty cool. But not THAT cool. I plan on calling the company tomorrow to have them come back and pick up the books as I was temporarily INSANE!!

Had a great visit with my "mom and dad". Played a lot of Trouble and ate way too much. If you're wondering why the "mom and dad"- it's because I have adopted these two. I have know "dad" since I was a wee kid and "mom" came soon after. Veda told "dad" that she was so glad that they were here because no-one ever gets to spend time with her as they are too busy with me and/or Soren. Ugh. That one hurt. He shared that info so I knew that even though she is saying she is doing fine- she may need a little extra TLC.

Today we spent moving books and cleaning up Veda's room. I had some friends over and so did Veda. Veda and I did our toenails together this morning so we are trying to have mom/Veda time. (I am trying to be a good mom.)

Tomorrow my agenda is to get Mr. Book Guy back here and pick up his golden laced books. I am also going to try to get another room organized. I really would like to get the house together before I head back to work.

Soren is STILL awake a lot at night. Trying to work on that before I go back to work so I have some sort of sanity. I still don't believe how I haven't just fallen over into a deep coma or sleep like state with the lack of sleep I have endured.

Still negotiating with my friend about whether or not she may have Soren.

And why can't I get "Soren" to pass through my spellchecking... UGH!

2007-07-06T21:12:00.001-05:00

The day is almost over. Again, another year has passed. This year has brought so many changes. I got married, had a baby, Veda lost 4 teeth and is now if first grade... Times have changed.

I guess through this period of time I too have changed. In lots of ways I guess. Mostly- I realize what I have. I have to admit that I don't always cherish what I have and even take what I have for granted at times... but I know what I have. This is something that I did not have before Tad died.

Over the past 6 years I have learned a lot about myself. I am stubborn, silly at times- serious others, a good mom (not always according to my daughter) and in love with my family and friends. I can't begin to think where I would be without my family and friends. I am the luckiest girl in the world. Honestly, I am.

So as my day comes to a close and another year has passed, I am making myself reflect on the good in my life. Today I am thankful for my friend CA who dropped everything to come and be with me today- just because she loves me. I am also thankful for pizza and ranch dressing.

The tree looks beautiful. CA, Veda, Soren and I went out and spent some time there. Always a good place to share memories, laugh and cry. So eat some peanut butter on a spoon or do a shot of whip cream in memory of Tad.

Hello July 7th. A start of yet another new year.

Where did I leave off?

2007-07-06T07:25:00.001-05:00

We did the formula thing for 48 hours (and since there is a bit of Mennonite in my background we did it for exactly 48 hours). I don't see that it worked- tried I guess. Soren is really starting to smile more. Cooing more. And still sleeping a lot.

We had a nice time at my parents house. Got to see my sister and nieces for a few hours as well. They had a 4th of July parade on their lake. All of the boats were decorated with flags, etc. It was hilarious to see my parents on a boat with a giant banner saying "God Bless America". It's just not their style. But they did it because Veda wanted to be in the parade.

Jeff had a really rough night last night. He even woke me up- this is not normal. He thought he was either having a panic attack, stroke or heart attack. I tried to comfort him but not sure how well I did. He tried to call into work but they ended up calling him back in. He didn't have much sleep so I hope he doesn't have to run a code or something crazy like that.

Veda loved the fire works. We took her to this fair in my mom and dad's town. CARNIES! They were everywhere. I have to admit that they freak me out. And I know that I am stereotyping these individuals and I bulked them into one category but I have never seen a Carney that has a full "grill" (I'm trying my best to remain hip so I chose grill rather than "set of teeth"). Veda decided that she wanted to go on this one ride (4 tickets worth- each ticket equals $1) and she tried to talk me into it. She had a wrist band which allowed her to ride all day. I only had 3 tickets as most of the rides took three tickets. I told her I would do one ride. She persisted and I gave in. I went and bought another ticket (thanks mom for the tickets). We got on this ride and I knew within the first second that I would be sick. It went round and round, high and fast. I was sick. Really sick. At one point Veda and I were both yelling "STOP! PLEASE STOP!" But the Carney who was working our ride did not speak English. I knew I should have followed through with learning Spanish. Anyway- I was down for the count for several hours. Finally began to feel better after some wheat thins.

The things you will do for your kids...

This time of year is filled with a lot of dates for me. Today is 6 years since my first husband Tad was killed. How time stands still and flies at the same time. I think that Veda and I will pick some flowers from our gardens and take them out to his memorial tree today. The thing about this year is that it is a Friday- again. He died on a Friday- 5:40pm. I don't like the thoughts of today. I plan on keeping busy and thinking about how lucky I am now.

6.3 on the jaundice scale

2007-07-02T20:52:00.000-05:00

So Dr. B. called and Soren's biliruben level is 6.3. This is nothing major but may be causing his sleepiness. He told us to go ahead and do 48 hours of formula. (Side note- SHIT! We had done 24 this weekend but I just didn't want to finish up the 48 because I was tired of pumping! We would have already been done with this! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!) So that is what we are going to do. Dr. B. wants to see him again on 7/10 to see how things are going. We started formula around 5:00 today and already I have teared up twice. Soren is not so happy but he finally went down to sleep. We'll see how long that lasts.

Met with our friend Rox to do legal stuff. She is a lawyer and is going to update our wills/POA/PA paperwork. She worked on it my first time around so I don't think it should be too hard for her to make some changes. Glad to have that started.

The kids and I are going to be going to my parents house tomorrow. My mom and dad are so wonderful. My dad even asked us to come back for a longer visit before I start my job. They are so cute. We are going to take in the lake again. Such a peaceful place.

Not so lucky...

2007-07-02T10:22:00.000-05:00

So the second night of the car seat did not work as well. He was back to his regular schedule. Maybe we just need to go and have fondue at D&G's every night. I am game for that. This sleeping thing is a work in progress.

Veda is doing a lot of workbooks this summer. We are trying to keep her brain cells from deteriorating. She is currently doing 2nd grade math and reading comprehension. We should have started this a long time ago. Jeff is really good at making sure she gets to this everyday. He really is a good dad.

Jeff and I have both noticed that Soren is acting much more like a baby now rather than an infant. He is cooing and being more involved. Now I didn't say he was awake anymore but he is doing more.

I have less than a month until I start my new job. I am also going to fill in a few days at Hospice since one of my co-workers will be on vacation. I would love to stay home with him. I am still unsure about where he will go when Jeff and I are working. My girlfriend C mentioned that she MAY be thinking about watching a kid or two a few days a week- I would love this as I trust her with my life- but don't want to pressure her to do it. We'll see how this all pans out. I am going to try and meet with one day care provider this week and get a feel for her. Ugh. I wish this was easy.

The Pow Wow was fun. We walked down and enjoyed the traditional stuff while Veda liked the vendors.

2007-07-01T09:11:00.001-05:00

Forgot to add that we tried the formula thing for 24 hours. That's all I could do. Don't know if it helped at all but I do think his little tinge of yellow is less. He is still sleeping. But- he is a baby and I need to just stop worrying.

I LOVE CAR SEATS!!

2007-07-01T07:57:00.000-05:00

We spent yesterday evening with some friends, D&G and C&D gorging ourselves with four different fondue dishes. (I gained about a pound and a half that's how good it was.) We had a blast. Good to be with such wonderful friends. My most exciting part of the night was that Soren and Veda both fell asleep on the way home. I decided to just keep Soren in his car seat until he woke up (assuming he would be up in 10 minutes) and low and behold it was 5:00 am before he woke up. That is 8 hours people! 8 hours that he slept without having to be nursed, rocked, sung to or changed! Of course I was up every hour checking on him. I had to make sure he was breathing. So today my goal is to find a car seat at a garage sale and cut out the belts so I don't have to worry about him sleeping on those. Hopefully this will last. I could use some rest.

We are going to the Pow Wow today here in our home town. I am excited to take Veda and let her see some of the "traditional" Native American dances, etc. I have been trying to go for years and haven't been able to get there for one reason or another. This year I am going. And my family is stuck going with me.

Poke!

2007-06-29T16:26:00.000-05:00

We went to see Dr. B. again this morning. He explained to me that he is NOT concerned about Soren. He does want to follow through on this but does not see any problem/s. He spent a lot of time things explaining things to me and I feel better. I think. We did go get more blood work as he really wanted to check his enzyme level along with his total biliruben levels. We are waiting for the call now to see what it shows. We did go to a different hospital and it went pretty well as far as poking your kid goes. Dr. B. measured his head and weighed him again. His head is within the normal range and so is his weight (12 lbs and 9 ounces- but that is with a onezie and diaper).

We will wait to see the biliruben levels before we decide on what to do about the few days of formula. The only positive I see to this is that I will get a good supply of breast milk built up. But maybe it will be wonderful for him and he will sleep through the night and be completely unfussy. Who knows...

Veda is going to try and stay the night at her friend Jack's house again. Wonder how that will go.

P.S.

2007-06-28T15:16:00.000-05:00

By the way, today would have been 10 years...

I am so glad that mine has a silver lining.

Eye snot shot

2007-06-28T11:37:00.000-05:00

Okay, this really happened. I swear! I barely believe it myself- if I hadn't seen it or had to wipe it up I wouldn't believe it.

Last night I was holding Soren and he sneezed. Just your average everyday sneeze. Nothing amazing. Not only did saliva slim all over me, but he shot eye snot out of his eye. I swear! It only made it to his eye lashes but he did it not only once- but twice.

Is this possible? Or is my child some super sonic eye shooting magician superhero?

Made an appointment for Dr. B. for tomorrow morning. I think we may try the formula for a few days to see if that kicks the jaundice. I just don't want to have him poked again- but want to follow through. (Thanks to AOJ for your love with this one.) I am sure it will be an interesting weekend...

Tornados, rain and heat- oh my...

2007-06-28T07:37:00.000-05:00

We met my family in Detroit for the Detroit Symphony (okay- my sister and I stayed back at the hotel with the babies). We know one of the composers- family friend so we had dinner with his family and made a day of it. Hit Greek Town and Greenfield Village the next day. While we were at Greenfield we rain into real Heat! I am talking high 90's with a baby- not good. Then all of the sudden the winds came in, then the rain, then-- the tornado. We had to go back into HF building to escape the treacherous winds. (Okay I am exaggerating about the winds- mostly we didn't want to get the babies wet.) Anyway, we had a good time. I think we will take the kids back for a Tiger game before I head to work. Veda's favorite part was the people mover and the pool on the 17th floor.

Forgot to mention Soren's weight. 11lbs and 14 oz. I don't know why people always ask the weight... Obviously he knows how to eat. Still debating on whether or not to get another blood draw. No changes with sleep. Ugh.

Dr. B called

2007-06-26T07:49:00.000-05:00

Dr. B. called this morning and said that Soren's basic billiruben level is .1 and his total billiruben is .3. He does not understand whey there is a discrepancy. He is not worried at this point but wants me to follow up with him in 3-4 days if signs persist. Which they will since they have been going on for almost 7 weeks now. He mentioned more about his soft spot and just thought that may be one reason he is so tired. He will be looking into that as well. UGH! That means we will have to have Soren poked again. I will not let grubby girl do it this time!!!

Dirty Nails...

2007-06-25T16:06:00.001-05:00

So today I decided that I had had enough of wondering why my child was still sleeping so much, if can hear, why he is grumpy when he is awake and why he still has a tan (jaundice) so I went to see Dr. B again. He was only concerned with the jaundice thing. Not that he is really jaundice but that he still is jaundice. So he sent us off to the lab for some lab work. And while we were walking out Dr. B. touches Soren's head and I said "Looking for a vein?" (joking of course) and he replies "No. I am just checking his soft spot again. It's small. It is something I am keeping my eye on." I say "Should I worry?" And tells me not to. (By the way, Dr. B. says that this jaundice could be from Soren nursing. So does that mean I may have to stop that? Dr. B. wants me to wait until we get the lab results before we decided on that. I am so frustrated! CALGON!!)

So, that means poking my child. Anxiously I go to the hospital lab and wait. And wait. And WAIT!! Finally we get called back and this girl (about 25) has me put him down on the table. I notice she has more stuff out than I have ever seen at one of my blood draws and I am a lot bigger than Soren. She goes for his arm... I question her about why she is not doing a heel prick- and she tells me that one of the tests (something about his electrolyte balance) can't be done that way. So she goes for one arm. Of course both Soren and I are bawling! She can't get anything. Another women comes in during this "procedure" and asks if she would like help. Now we have two lab people. So she heads for the next arm. It is at this time that I notice her finger nails. They are horribly dirty and she hasn't been wearing gloves. Not only are her nails dirty but she has some horrible body stench as well. She was kickin'. She tries the second arm and blows his vein. Then she goes for his foot. It is at this time that I feel like kicking this woman's ass but I know we can get some blood from the heel- just not all that we need. So after 20 + minutes of trying to console my child we get to leave.

I hate the smelly dirty finger nail girl!! (Jeff tells me that I shouldn't be hard on her for not getting a vein. Fine, I will just hate her for being gross and smelling!)

So, I don't know if we have all the blood we need. I think Dr. B. will want to know more about his electrolytes so he will more than likely send us back in. UGH!!

All I want right now is an Oberon and a pint of peanut butter ice cream.

2007-06-23T12:56:00.001-05:00

Here we are at the Botanical Gardens in Ann Arbor. Actually the one of Soren is at a local park- he sleeps while his sister plays in the splash pad.

Soren continues to grow. I can hardly believe that he is over 6 weeks old. My heart goes out to women who have to go back to work at 6 weeks. I am so glad that I decided to take more time. I don't know if I will be ready then.

Last night Veda was supposed to spend the night at a friend's house- no big deal. She does this quite a bit. But at 9:00 we get a call from my friend HL saying that Veda wants to come home! This has never happened! (Except for that one time she was sick and ended up puking all over the place- glad she did that at home!) Earlier in the day she said that this sleep over would be perfect only if her brother were going to be there. So is she having separation anxiety from him? Does she feel jealous that we are all home and she isn't here. Anyway- she came home and went right to bed. Most of the time she is the most amazing little girl. There are those moments... where I want to put her outside for a few hours.

Jeff and I are working through stuff. It appears that I am a bit too anal. Really?! Again, this is one of those times that if you know me at all you smile at Jeff's struggle. It really has been a commendable effort on his part. I am too anal and I think he tends to be a bit on the juvenile side. We both have issues and we are trying to discuss these the best we can. Marriage is hard. Relationships are hard. But I wouldn't give him up- I will keep him.

Enjoying the summer. Wish I could have had a solstice party but failed to get it together. Maybe next year.

Off to change a poopy butt.

2007-06-19T13:50:00.000-05:00

Not much new here. Just trying to sleep when I can. Boy this having an infant is difficult work. I had forgotten how much energy it takes.

We went to my parents this weekend- see pictures- and had a good time. Got to ride a jet ski and even take Veda on a tube behind it. I had a blast! Jeff was able to come up most of the weekend as well. It is always nice to be at my parents house. Did I mention that my "home" sold? They closed on Friday morning. I have to admit that I am pretty sad. But as my mom said- I need to focus on the memories.

Soren is starting to make more sounds and is smiling at us (not just because he farted).

I am starting to get myself ready for the new job. Looking at putting together my syllabus. Doing a lot of on line research and looking at books. I am still excited about this job.

Not much else. Go find a blog that has something exciting to say...

Bye Bye Love....

2007-06-10T08:52:00.000-05:00

So our cat Raina had to leave our home. If you know me at all you know that this is not something I would ever do. I took her back to the Humane Society where we got her. We paid for her adoption fee so hopefully she will go home with someone else (an old lady maybe) sooner. We love her a lot but I don't deal with with things that mess with my children. Raina became a nut case. Well, she was anyway but she became worse after Soren's birth. Yesterday she had to move out. I am still depressed.

Soren continues to sleep- all the time. Really, when should I become concerned? Typically he has a few hours of awake time- but only a few. He has also really been having troubles with his tummy. I am not sure what I should do about this. Every time I plan to go to the Doctor he has a few good hours. I think if it continues this weekend I will go in. Not sure if it is my milk or just him having a hard time digesting.

My mom and dad sold their house. As of Friday it will no longer be ours. This makes me horribly sad.

Newest picture of the sibs. Veda still loves him- I wonder if she will ever get jealous?

And the fairies are still visiting our house. Veda got a message this morning and she was so excited! I wish I were a kid...

I jinxed it!!

2007-06-06T09:12:00.000-05:00

Having a hard time with Soren the last few days. I think that my breast milk has been replaced with venom. He has been pretty miserable lately- tummy aches, gas and just plain uncomfortable! I am eating the blandest food in the world- no spices, no chocolate, no onions and certainly no garlic! Any suggestions? I am using gas drops- for him- and actually used Tylenol last night as he was surely in pain. It's unfair that I can't figure this one out.

He continues to sleep most of the time. Maybe up a few hours in the morning and a few in the afternoon. Again, should this worry me? I sound like a new mother! I know- I am. It has been a long time since I have done this.

Veda leaves today to go to her grandparents house. (Tad's parents). She is excited and I am leery. I hope she goes to bed before midnight and eats something other than pizza or McDonald's. I do love them. Really, I do.

Jeff's birthday is Sunday. Suggestions for presents? And he owns every camping/hiking piece of equipment out there.

So excited that my friend CE is coming today to visit!!

Off to calm a child.

New Pictures..

2007-06-02T12:20:00.000-05:00

Isn't my family so cute? I love the one with all three of them- Soren looks a bit drunk... Boob drunk I guess.

Tired...

2007-05-31T08:37:00.000-05:00

Soren has decided that sleeping during the night isn't really HIS priority. Hmm- needless to say I am really tired. It's not that he is up cooing and gooing, he is up fussing. This is not typical of him (he has been really laid back so far). (Yes I know he is only 3 weeks old. But his pattern has not been this.)

So I have started exercising again. I know I'm not supposed to until the 6 week mark but I can't stand it. I am running a bit on the treadmill and using my elliptical. Only about 30 minutes at a time so I should be fine. I hate it but it feels good knowing that this flab will eventually come off.

I signed my contract on Tuesday with A.C.. I also told Hospice that I would not be coming back. It was not easy telling the people there. I have loved my co-workers and most of my job. I may stay on as a volunteer or contingent. They have already posted the position in the paper. My official last day there is July 31. I was very thankful to my HR person because she did this so I won't have to do a COBRA just will have to pay their portion of our insurance. What a good company. And they told me to keep my disability check. I had offered it back to them as I was leaving and they told me just to cash it.

So my eyeballs are feeling like they are covered in mucus and moss. Any suggestions on helping Soren stay asleep (besides alcohol)? The problem seems to be once I put him down in his crib he is usually awake within 5 minutes. He wants to be held all the time. But I can't sleep holding him. Ugh. I will have to get new pictures soon to post. I have started to become lazy with that. Sorry, Holly.

By the way, Jeff and I both saw Soren roll over again! Less than 3 weeks old! We are in some deep trouble- if only he'd stay awake during the day. He still has that pirate eye thing going on alot of the time. ARG MATE!

Home again.

2007-05-29T09:16:00.001-05:00

We spent the weekend (minus Jeff) at my parent's house. Had a good time. Nice to be with family. Soren had a hard time one day- I think because I ate to much onion or garlic. He was really a fussaluffaguss and his little butt was bright red. But he is doing much better now. And here I sit absent garlic breath... Thanks M&D for spoiling us! Even came home with shoefly pie and yeast rolls!!

OK, now I know you won't believe this. I don't really either but there is no other explanation. I put Soren down on his tummy yesterday while I went to go and switch the laundry. When I came back (maybe 90 seconds later) he was on his back. He rolled over! Now I know that this must be a fluke. He can't be rolling over already can he?? He almost did it a few times at my parents house but he didn't. And yet again this morning he almost got over- but he didn't. Hmm.

I go and sign my contract today. I am going in to Hospice before I go to the college to tell them. I am most sad about telling my favorite co-worker L. I feel like I am abandoning her there. But this is an opportunity I cannot pass up. I am just really bummed that she can't come with me.

Veda was a grump today. She went off to school with a frown.

Shocker! and mice too!!

2007-05-24T09:51:00.000-05:00

Soren was awake for almost 6 straight hours yesterday afternoon!! That is huge! He typically only opens his eyes for a few minutes then he is off to never never land again. It was neat to actually be able to see him awake. He slept rather well last night too! Only up two times.

Got an email from the Dean of A. C. and I have a call into him now to discuss "details". I am sure that things will work out wonderfully. I really have no worries. Just would like to know exactly whats in store for me.

Tried to watch Dream Girls last night. Of course I fell asleep. I thought that actually not being pregnant would allow me to stay awake again. Well, no luck there. Jeff and I both fell asleep on the couch. At least I woke up enough to get into a bed. He was so tuckered out that he stayed on the couch.

Just got a call from Veda's principal. This has never happened before. This is how is started our conversation.. "I have never had to make this call as long as I have been principal". So I say "Is my child OK?" He says "Yes, but she has been bitten by a mouse." So the story goes that Veda (my little animal lover) was out playing with the "school cat" when she found a mouse and decided to pick it up. Well, the mouse did not like the idea of this so it bit her and actually broke the skin. Veda said she had to shake off the mouse. So off we go to Dr. B's office at 2pm. And Jeff is there, at Dr. B's office now.

Jeff's report from Dr. B is not good. He is making him an appointment with a spine surgeon. This does not thrill me. I am assuming that everything will be just fine I just don't like the idea of someone cutting into Jeff's back. This also comes at an awkward time as we will be switching insurances with the job change. UGH!

My life feels pretty random today.

Eye goop, poop, bloody belly buttons and A.C.

2007-05-22T14:42:00.000-05:00

Eye goop- yes, Soren has it. My nurse friend told me to squirt breast milk in his eye. Not so sure I can do that- would feel like I was crossing some kind of line. The Dr. says wait until Monday to see if it clears on it's own.

Poop- I have only seen projectile poop a few times in my life. I felt it today. I got shot right in the palm of my hand. I love my son.

Bloody belly buttons- for the past 2 days Soren has had dried blood on his belly button. I am sure it is nothing just thought it would be good to document here since I am using this somewhat as a journal.

A.C.- got a message today from the Dean of Academic Affairs assistant. She said "I would like to be the first to congratulate you. Dean ____ will be calling later this afternoon or tomorrow to officailly make you an offer for the Disability Services Specialist." YEAH!! I am so excited. But nervous to talk to Hospice about it. And when should I do that since contracts are not signed until June. Do I wait? Ethics tell me I need to tell them sooner than later so they can start looking for a replacement. This will be a good move for me. I can see myself staying at A.C. until I retire. (And I would actually have a pension!!)

Jeff has his MRI today- hopefully we will hear something soon.

The Dean just called!!! Offically I have been offered the job! He will call tomorrow to talk "details"!!

Scary neighbors

2007-05-20T18:42:00.001-05:00

So I think we freaked out our neighbors when we told them we were planting our placenta in the back yard. Oh well- they must know we are weird by now. We just confirmed it today.

Here are a few pictures of the big event. We also put some of Sipalla's ashes in with the placenta. (Sipalla is our puppy who died last year.)

Have to go as poop duty calls...

Planting the placenta

2007-05-20T09:46:00.000-05:00

Today we are going to plant a lilac tree in our backyard with Soren's placenta. I am excited to have it here at our home. Veda's placenta was planted with Tad's memorial tree (which I think is wonderful but it's not in our yard). Can't wait to do this.

Veda and Jeff are going on a "date" today. They are going out to eat then to the movies. Maybe even some ice cream. I am hoping to be able to get some alone time with her as well- the boob factor makes it a bit hard.

Veda is feeling better. Up and running around as usual. Already got her piano practiced for the day. She may be the next Mozart.

Soren is really enjoying keeping me up at night. He doesn't cry- just fusses. Enough where it keeps me up. He loves to be held or lying right next to me. When I try to put him in the pack in play he decides to wake up again. Maybe he is uncomfortable in there. Tonight I am going to try him in his crib and we will see how that works.

Can you believe that I got a picture with his eyes open? Not only was he actually awake for more than 3 minutes he doesn't have the "pirate eye". We like to call him Captain Soren. (And you have to say that with the pirate accent.)

Eleven days old already...

At Dr. B's

2007-05-19T09:21:00.000-05:00

Veda and Jeff are at the Dr. right now finding out the fate of her tonsils. If I were Dr. B. I would rip those puppies right out. This kid has been sick with Strep more times than I have.

It was a rough night. We had to divide and conquer with the kids. Jeff and Veda slept in the living room while Soren and I stayed cooped up in the bedroom. Soren did not feel like sleeping much in his pack in play. He really likes to sleep on me or next to me. Well, last night I finally gave in because my eyeballs are about to fall out. Sleep dwindles...

Veda is feeling better today. No fever. She is already begging to hold Soren but I told her she needed to wait until 24 hours after being on her antibiotic and with Dr. B.'s consent.

Jeff said that Veda fell off the couch last night while she was sleeping. When she gets sick she really gets sick. But typically it fades quickly. This is a good thing. But let me tell you- it is pretty scary when her temp gets up near 104. I don't like it. Even Jeff gets a bit worried. And it's not comforting to know that a nurse is nervous about a fever. But he is her Dad and I am sure that changes things too.

They got home from Dr. B.'s. Veda has a strep test but did not get positive results on the quick test. They sent in the culture. We'll know in a few days. Until then, or at least Monday, we need to keep Veda and Soren apart. Yeah, right. Veda is doing okay with this news- just sad. She really wants to hold him. But knows he is just too little to get sick.

New pictures coming soon...

Strep visits again...

2007-05-18T18:00:00.000-05:00

So Veda woke us up this morning with "Mom, my head hurts. My stomach hurts and so does my throat." Well around 3pm today we had 103.8 fever. We are working with about 102 now. And that's with Motrin and Tylenol. UGH! Called Dr. B and he called in Erythromycin and told us to come in tomorrow am. So here we are with a 9 day old baby and a really sick kid. Hard to juggle the two. Veda wants to snuggle and Soren wants my boobs.

Jeff is really helping out with Veda tonight. He is going to sleep out on the couch with her to watch her temp since I have to be on boob duty.

Soren spent about 2 and a half hours awake today!! His eyes were open a lot more today. Big change. I think he will start being awake more. That makes me feel better. I was a bit worried since ALL he did was sleep and eat. And of course poop.

One of the people I used for a reference called and said that A.C. called them... That is somewhat promising. I should know more about that next week. What am I going to do about Hospice? There are a lot of people there that I do not want to leave. But I have to do this for me. And IF I am offered this job it would be a great move for me. But I would feel horrible about leaving my co-workers and patients at Hospice. I should probably not spend too much time thinking about it unless I am offered the job.

Wish us luck with our high temp girl.

Jaundice update.

2007-05-17T13:06:00.000-05:00

Don't you like how he has already learned how to flip me off??

No buggers in there!

My boy is still a shade of yellow. Dr. B says he is not concerned enough to poke his little foot. It should just go away in the next few days/weeks. Thank goodness. Soren still is sleeping most of the day. I think he only is awake 15 minutes a day. I am loving being able to hold him and kiss him all day. His night routine is 2-3 times up for a boob. Not to bad.

We had our first big outing today. We went to Wal-Mart and the Doctors office. I know- I hate that I spent money there too. But they have fake meat really cheap!! We also went out to eat and it went without issue. The boy slept through the entire affair.

Jeff also spoke with the Dr. since he is having so much pain in his back from his sciatica. He is getting an MRI on Tuesday then possibly physical therapy or surgery- depending on what the MRI shows. He is in a lot of pain and it would be nice if he could actually walk straight up instead of looking like a "S".

I am adjusted to Soren being here. I didn't think it would happen so quickly but actually I didn't really need any adjustment time. He just seems to melt into our family. Like he is supposed to be latched to my chest all the time. He just fits. Veda is really doing well with Soren. I am so proud of the way she has been handling this giant change. For once she is not being to "drama" about it all. She just loves him.

I had a job interview on Tuesday. I know- long story, but I am hopeful. Not that I don't want to be at Hospice- I like it. BUT, it is trying. A few weeks ago one of the women I know at my undergrad college called and told me about this position that "is perfect for you". It is a Disability Services Specialist at my Alma Mater. This would be where I would be assisting all of the students with disabilities on campus. I would coordinate with their professors, residence halls etc. to ensure they were getting what they needed and finding success on this particular college campus. I would also be teaching a study skills class to these students along with the football players. The job sounds wonderful. I would get a month and a half off in the summer with the potential to add on another 23 days- if they weren't used during the school year. That means I could be with my kids in the summer. And have a pension!! With benefits! No call. No middle of the night "XYZ died, you need to go and be with the family" and have to drive 30 minutes in the middle of the night to get there. Needless to say I am excited about the possibility but cautious not to get to excited.

That's it for today. I am thinking about unofficially starting Weight Watchers again. You are supposed to wait 6 weeks but I am really fat. I know- I will be careful not to mess up breastfeeding.

Life is good...

New pictures..

2007-05-14T17:10:00.000-05:00

Here Soren is trying to get rid of his jaundice (and blowing you kisses). It doesn't seem to be to bad but we are trying to sit him in the sun a few times a day to get rid of it. If it isn't gone by Thursday we head back to Dr. B. He has slept all day today- which means last night he was awake. And not much luck for tonight. I guess being jaundice can do that to you. The second picture is of Veda and Soren. As you can see she just can't get enough of him.

Minor Details...

2007-05-14T11:26:00.000-05:00

Soren was born at 5:07 pm on Wednesday, May 9th.

He was 7 lbs 14 oz and 21 inches long.

Thanks for reminding me to post this info A. S.!!

The Birth.

2007-05-11T12:24:00.000-05:00

We left for the hospital at 8:00am. Got there and checked in. Went up to our room- 307. Then we started settling in. Shortly after 8:45 Dr. G came. We discussed how we could induce and decided on breaking my water. She said I could use a breast pump in a few hours if breaking the water didn't get things going. Well, it didn't. So out came the milking machine. That gave me some contractions but they petered out pretty quickly.

Around 1:00 she asked if I wanted to continue doing this "all day" or would I like to try a tiny bit of pitocin. We talked about it- in length and decided to go ahead. BIG MISTAKE! That stuff kicks your uterus! In just a bit I was in pain that I cannot describe. I typically have a pretty high pain tolerance. Really high actually. Veda's birth was relatively easy- you know for a birth, but this was different. I think that it was because it was medically induced. Such a difference.

So I tried to bear with these contractions as long as I could. This lead me a few hours into hell. Eventually I decided that if I wanted to live I needed some relief. Staydol (don't know how to spell it) was the least invasive. We tried that. The RN told me that it would work with the same contraction she was putting it in with. Well, it didn't. No relief whatsoever.

I tried to make it but this was literally impossible. I felt horribly defeated. I cried quite a bit. All I could think about was that this was not how it was supposed to be. They checked me and I was only at 5. So after another 4-5 major contractions- which by the way really never gave me a break in between I opted for an epidural. This was another bummer for me. Three meds I did not want to use- I used them all.

So I sat up when the anesthesiologist came in so he could get me all drugged up. When I sat up I am sure that I dilated to 10. His head was right there. I said to everyone that I thought he was there and that I could push if I wanted to. But they already had part of the epidural in so we finished it anyway. And my OB was delivering another baby down the hall. I had to wait for her.

About an hour later and a lot less noise coming from my room Dr. G walked in. It was then that I knew he was coming. She checked my and found that his head was just about crowning. She waited for the next contraction (which I couldn't feel) and told me to push. In a strange numb sense I could feel him move down and out. Now I got to feel the wrinkled up little man's head. His head was almost half way out and she had me wait for the next contraction. This was good because then I did not tear. The next contraction and the next push brought little Soren Robert into the world. And all of the medications in the world can't take that away from us.

He continues to do wonderfully. Didn't sleep last night and hasn't peed or pooped yet today but I am not going to freak out. He did drench me in the middle of the night and pooped 6-7 times yesterday.

Veda is in love. It's no longer important if I'm around. It's all Soren now.

He's Home!!

2007-05-10T19:34:00.000-05:00

So this is Soren. Iwill give details on l&d later. We are all fine. Isn't he so cute? Such a little man!

Bits of sleep.

2007-05-09T04:28:00.000-05:00

Here I am on one of the biggest days of my life. I can't sleep. I did better than I thought last night. At least I got a few hours. Most of the night was spent thinking about getting through today. How it will go. Will everything work out OK. Just like every other mother in the world who knows they are going to have a baby. Inducing is horrible. It is like a looming hatchet coming right at your- well, you know. At least with Veda I was just "in" labor all of the sudden and had no time to ponder what may happen tomorrow.

It will be OK.

I have been trying to talk myself into being OK with this induction. Well, it hasn't worked. The only good thing is that Soren will be here today. The unnaturalness (is that a word?) just doesn't feel right.

(I have to be honest and say that I am freaked out. I don't remember ever being this freaked out by something. I guess, just because I have no control over this and I have to do it- no matter what. He has to come out. You see, if I put all of this is parentheses I am not REALLY saying it- just thinking it and it doesn't count.)

Wish me luck.