Blog Blog Blog Blog Blog....

There have been so many times that I have just needed to write something down and can't find a place to do it. Well, my anwer is to blog. I guess an easy way to keep people updated on what is going on in our lives and quite frankly for me to process life.

Background: 32 year old mom engaged to be married (second marriage, widowed in 2001). Finishing graduate school in April, starting a local non-profit (what the hell am I thinking!!), still trying to get the vomit smell out of my carpet from my daughters recent battle with the flu- our bedroom LOST!!

Things on my mind today...

Number 1: My friend AOJ. She recently had a baby who did not survive for numerous medical reasons. She and her husband made a choice to delivery early as there was really no chance of survival. Her grief is deep. Being a person who knows grief all to well- I am still having a difficult time figuring out what I should do for her. Leave her alone? Let her call? I remember in my beginning stages of grief... I could not stand to be alone but was unable to ask for people to stay. (Thank Mother Earth that my parents were smart enough and just stayed.) My heart breaks for her, her husband and their late son.

Number 2: Boys... Now, I know that we really DO need them. Actually I am quite fond of my fiance. I love him to pieces. But boys... You know right when you think you are about to really understand them- BAM! They throw in the phone call of "You are my mashed potatoes and gravy during the day! You are my comfort food." The funny thing was when he called me I was actually in mid-sentence writing him an email about how I felt disconnected. You know- I hate to admit this but maybe it is me. PMS. No really- I must suffer from one of the worst cases. Every month about a week before my period I notice (okay, I'll be honest, the world notices- especially JW) that I may be a bit grumpy and oversensitive. So what now? Do I take a pill to calm my hormones and make me feel connceted to JW during that one week out of every month? Or do I just sit back and ride out the grump? I need a therapist.

Number 3: Insurance! Why the F*** does our country not have comprehensive insurance for EVERYONE! On Friday as I took sick-o to the Doctor (no insurance) I had to pay $128 at the window before even being seen! What is this?! Come on the kid had a fever of 103 and was obviously in some major little-kid-sick-mode. But Alas, my "Medical Discount Program" is effective today. This is something that I will pay well over $200 a month for and get pretty much nothing! But insurance companies will not insure me for some prior medical concerns I had years back- remember the head things? Yeah, where I kept losing my memory!! Anyway- the point is this.. I want to care for my kid. I wouldn't mind the occasional pap to be paid for so I know that I am not dying of cancer. And this leads me to...

Number 4: I want another baby (or two, or three). So do I wait until after we get married and chance it? My uterus could be a prune by then! I know, a bit dramatic but I wanted to actually start working with my degree at some point. This would be the best time to get knocked up. That way I could take a few months between graduation and work to boob this "potential baby". Anyway- I am bitter because I will just have to wait. Unless there just happens to be a tiny little microscopic hole in the condom that I didn't put there. Must have been the dogs!!

Well, I guess I have rambled on this long enough for today.