On my mind..

So today is nine days after my niece was born. I know this doesn't sound significant to you. But to me- well, it is. I have spent most of the day lost in thought. Trying to keep J safe in my mind. You see it was nine days after my first niece J was born that Tad was killed. I know- not like it will happen again but there are certain things that I just hold on to. This is one of them. I knew it was coming but didn't want J to think that I truly am a nut case. He decided to drive to the other side of the state today for a trail meeting- I had a hard time getting a hold of him all day which left me very anxious- almost Ativan anxious. And you see, I don't think he understands how weird I get about this stuff. And I try not to talk to him about it. I don't want him to think that I am stuck- because I am not. I just love him and don't want to lose him. I just don't think I can bare it again.

So I get a call from J- I can barely hear him. Finally I hear something like "I'm stuck". Not knowing what he meant I tried to listen harder. I heard him say he was stuck in some mud. So great- I don't know where he is or what is wrong and his phone does not let me hear him.

Anyway- he ended up getting his truck stuck in some mud swamp thing while he went hiking. He ended up walking- trying to get to my sister's house. My brother in law found him. Thank goodness. But then he wants to drive home. I know this all seems so silly but I just couldn't let him. I got my mom on the phone and told her he had to stay. She must figure out a way to make him stay. I just want to get through this day. I want him to be ok.

And there are more of these days to come. I have already started preparing myself. Like when this baby reaches 4 months old. You know at one point I had figured out how many days old V was when T died. 133 days old. You have a lot of time on your hands when you are grieving. But all of these birth events- I can foresee some anxiety.

I lost one of my very favorite patients today. Cancer sucks!!

Thanks for letting me vent. Really I am ok- not really a nut case.