Random thoughts (really needing to just get stuff off of my chest....)

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

On my mind..

So today is nine days after my niece was born. I know this doesn't sound significant to you. But to me- well, it is. I have spent most of the day lost in thought. Trying to keep J safe in my mind. You see it was nine days after my first niece J was born that Tad was killed. I know- not like it will happen again but there are certain things that I just hold on to. This is one of them. I knew it was coming but didn't want J to think that I truly am a nut case. He decided to drive to the other side of the state today for a trail meeting- I had a hard time getting a hold of him all day which left me very anxious- almost Ativan anxious. And you see, I don't think he understands how weird I get about this stuff. And I try not to talk to him about it. I don't want him to think that I am stuck- because I am not. I just love him and don't want to lose him. I just don't think I can bare it again.

So I get a call from J- I can barely hear him. Finally I hear something like "I'm stuck". Not knowing what he meant I tried to listen harder. I heard him say he was stuck in some mud. So great- I don't know where he is or what is wrong and his phone does not let me hear him.

Anyway- he ended up getting his truck stuck in some mud swamp thing while he went hiking. He ended up walking- trying to get to my sister's house. My brother in law found him. Thank goodness. But then he wants to drive home. I know this all seems so silly but I just couldn't let him. I got my mom on the phone and told her he had to stay. She must figure out a way to make him stay. I just want to get through this day. I want him to be ok.

And there are more of these days to come. I have already started preparing myself. Like when this baby reaches 4 months old. You know at one point I had figured out how many days old V was when T died. 133 days old. You have a lot of time on your hands when you are grieving. But all of these birth events- I can foresee some anxiety.

I lost one of my very favorite patients today. Cancer sucks!!

Thanks for letting me vent. Really I am ok- not really a nut case.


Blogger Hollyho said...

hey girl!
You are nut crazy and little by little yu will get through these signicicant days. You got through all the others! Do both our guys have mud problems lately. Did you see our pictures? At least J could drive home if his mother in law doesn't chain him to the bed. We had to tow our Jeep home.
Hugs and Kisses to you, J, V, and the little bean inside!

Thursday, October 12, 2006 1:43:00 PM  
Blogger LawMommy said...

You are so not crazy.

Big hugs and I must see you soon!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006 12:11:00 PM  

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