The last 24 hours.... ARE YOU KIDDING?!

So it begins with Veda, Jeff and myself having a conversation about Tad. Over the past 2-3 weeks Jeff and I have both noticed that she has been much more preoccupied with Tad and his death. More tears. More questions. More "I wish he was here". Well, last night she had lots of questions. Quite a few that left me without breath to answer. "How did it happen?" "What was broken?" "Why can't he come back?" These questions were asked with much more intensity last night. Not just the passing "Where is he?" Thank God I had Jeff there with me. I kept whispering "help me, help." And of course, he did.

Then she says... "My brain is separated into four parts. One part is happy, one is kind of happy, one is MAD and one is sad. When I think about Daddy Tad I am in the sad part. But it's like I am swirling around." WHAT!? Are you kidding me that a 6 year old is talking like this! Shit I need therapy. I need to know how to go about this.

She continues to tell us that she lies in bed some nights thinking about the accident. She has made up this whole scene in her head. What she has made up consists of a stop light, Tad and another car. This is not what happened and I explained that to her. She just wants to know more and I don't know how vague we should be. Telling her that "It was just a bad accident" is not working anymore. She wanted to know what was broken on his body and what he looked like.

Suggestions??

So then this morning I am getting ready to leave for work and I get a call from Jeff. He is in the ER at his place of employment. Not working- A PATIENT!! His blood pressure sky rocketed to something like 210/115. And it was there for awhile. Needless to say we spend the morning there and then we proceeded to go to Dr. B's. Now Jeff is on medication and we bought a blood pressure cuff to keep here at the house. We checked it at home and it was 150/94- still high. This is after the Catapres they gave him at the hospital...

Dr. B thinks it is a combination of things, stress, not working out as much due to his back injury and possibly genetics. So Jeff is convinced that it is because he can't get out and exercise as much now that he is home with Soren so much. I am going to try and find something for Soren to do more often so Jeff can have some time to reconnect to Nature- that will reduce his stress and provide exercise for him. I know that he has been depressed since his back injury. He has lost 16 lbs. I told him today that he signed a contract that CLEARLY states that he cannot die before I do. What the hell is he doing at 35 having high blood pressure?! This was not part of our plan.

I know he will be fine but I feel so bad for him. He doesn't want to take medication or have to watch what he eats. We don't even use salt.

Ugh.

Then Veda comes home today from school with a book she has written. It is called "My Dad(s)" On the cover it has a picture of a car. Page 2- "My dad I never nuw al thoor my livef." There is a picture of Veda with tears running down her face. Page 3- "He got hit by a car." A picture of Tad lying on the road with X's on his eyes and a flat line across his head. Page 4- My only dad atill I was threre." A picture of Jeff and Veda both saying "Hi". Page 5- "A rill story. About my dad." Picture of a broken heart.

What the f**k am I supposed to do for her. I hate Tad for just dying and leaving me, and Jeff, to help Veda figure out how to grieve for him.

Sorry about the uplifting post.