I'd like to brag about my child...
but that's not going to happen today. We'll save that for another day.
This is the note I woke up to today.
"Der Mom and dad I am goen to ignor you ul dae lugn disuptd, veda I hat you MOM"
Let me translate here... Dear Mom and Dad, I am going to ignore you all day long. Disappointed, Veda. I hate you MOM! Don't you like how the MOM at the end was in all caps. Not only that it covers 3/4 of the page.
I feel loved.
You see yesterday was a hard day. Starting out with me saying No to cheese sticks for lunch (our public schools serving cheese sticks for a main entree- no wonder we are all fat!). Then I "
made" her wear her snow pants. And I was going to make everyone at the bus stop make fun of her. Do you remember the weather yesterday? It was so cold. Isn't it my job to make sure she is warm and safe? I tried to give her the talk.. you know "It doesn't matter what other people think about you as long as you are happy with yourself and making good responsible choices." That went over with a bunch of tears.
After school she got into the house and was still mad at me about the cheese sticks. Then I asked to her play her piano before lessons to get one more practice in. Again, somehow I became the devil. You see, she was invited to a birthday party (today) and I had told her if she did not stop with the behavior she would not be able to go. Poor choices equal having to deal with consequences. Yesterday she forgot that I stick to my word. So last night after she had fun with Jeff when he got home she wanted a "sweet" and I said "Do you think that with your behavior today you deserve one? Honestly?" She said "No, but I want one." So needless to say she threw a HUGE TANTRUM and went to bed crying and screaming.
Today she tried to clean the windows and all of our pictures to earn back her privilege to go to A's birthday party. Not going to happen. I am sticking to this.
What will I do when she is a teenager? I am sending her to my parents house. They did a good job with not killing me. Well, there was that one time my mom attempted to run me over with the car....
UGH! Needless to say no birthday party today.
posted by Danielle @ 2/03/2007 07:23:00 AM
5 Comments:
Oh No, she is a teenager about 8 years early. I can not imagine how heart breaking that note was.
But, you are a wonderful mother, i hated my mother at times, and she was wonderful. find a way to realize that you are truly a dedicated and loving mother. you are teaching her boundaries and consequences now, which is better than trying to wait until she is 17.
Have you ever heard the saying chose your battles?. Ha!ha! I agree with sticking to your punishment, but how wonderful she was willing to work for "time off for good behavior". Smart kid! See you are doing something right. You are a great mom. Quit stressing!!! I agree no CHEESE STICKS for lunch!!!
Here is my opinion backed up by almost zero parenting but a nice 40k student loan in youth and family social work.
A) Positive reinforcements and rewards work way better then punishments.
B) If many clinical studies show that the brains in young adults age 14-20 lack development in the areas of personal judgement and consequences causing stupid behaviors such as dangerous speeding, drug use, unprotected sex and other stupid and great things we did as youth. I doubt an 8 year old (no matter how smart brilliant and beautiful she is) has the grasp of consequences of something happening as far away as 24 hours. This almost seems reenforced by the fact that she can agree she acted poorly during the day but still threw a tantrum before bed.
C) I wouldn't say poor behaviors one day results in not going to a party a day later = natural consequences. Natural consequences means that if you break something you have to spend your time to work repair it or money comes out of your allowance to pay for it. If you make a mess in the kitchen then you need to clean it all up. You caused bad effect X so there for you fix X and give back a little more to make up for it. You did X then totally unrelated you can not go to party Y is hard to fit in natural consequences. Thats more like you were bad some I am going to assert my level of power over you.. AKA punishment.
So say V was bad then the next day she works extra hard to make up for it to you and around the house doing chores she could earn her party back. If you say despite you trying to make up for your bad behavior I am still going to punish you all your doing is reenforcing the fact that no matter what she does to make up for her mistake she is still going to have power asserted over her and be punished.
So sorry now you can send me a I ignoring you letter for analyzing your parenting choice while having 0 children myself. I really tried to keep my opinions to my self by you know me, always sticking my food in my mouth.
JTW
Josh-
You're funny. I can't wait until you have kids... Yes, in theory it all works that way. But in reality that's not always the case. I do give her choices and use positive reinforcement. I also give chances to earn things. And even randomly, I reward her for doing absolutely nothing but being around. But if I do tell her that there are consequences to her actions, which in adult life- there are, I need to be willing to stick to it. I can't let her always get what she wants. Otherwise my word means nothing to her. And the doing chores thing- well, in essence that is part of being a working family. And yes, a 5 year old should be a part of that in my opinion. When she does go above and beyond she is rewarded. In my experience, though it is limited to one 5 (okay almost 6) year old and a fetus you have to use a variety of skills and tactics to help your child grow to be a respectful and responsible human being. This is my goal in parenting. Not that I have accomplished that. So, I do appreciate your input- I always do. :)
Oh Sweetie, I'm sorry.
I'd like to say that when they are teenagers we can lock Gabe and Veda up in a closet until they are able to make good choices...but, I'm afraid they will make all kinds of bad choices whilst locked in that closet together!!!
Love you,
Big hugs,
G
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