Random thoughts (really needing to just get stuff off of my chest....)

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Sleeping 9-5 what a way to make mom happy!!

It's true. But I don't want to jinx it. (I literally checked on him to see if his was breathing.)

Tomorrow I start work. Today was the last day of getting up on my time and having my morning. From now on it will be rushing around getting two kids ready to go. But I have to admit that I am really excited about the job.

The other good piece of news is that I can fit in to some of my clothes. I was worried that I would have to go buy new clothes before work- but I think I will be able to pull it off. Although there may be some extra skin seeping over my hips.

Jeff is home and his feet are swollen and blistered. He said he had a great time. I think he would go off and be one of those crazy hikers who do the whole trail if he didn't have us.

We went and looked at a Prius last night. I think we are going to take the plunge and order one. Can't beat what it won't do to the environment.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Fun the tub.

I officially have a thumb sucker. Today he has decided that the thumb is a good thing. I am so happy!! If I wouldn't wake him, I would go upstairs now and take a picture as he has fallen asleep in his swing with his thumb crammed down this throat. Love him.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Updated pics...

On the jet ski with H. Before the knock off...
Finally found his thumb. Now let's pray he keeps using it!! I know I will regret saying that in a few years...

Veda and her friend H at Ga and Poppies house this past week. Aren't they so cute?? This is right before I took them tubing and knocked H off! So fun!

Here Soren is in his "manly" swing. (It was the only portable one they had! He is man enough to sit in it.)

Lake life

We have been gone at my parents the last several days- at the lake. I love it there. Riding jet skis, boating and relaxing! So now we are home.

I am a bit panicked since I start work on Wednesday. I had promised Veda we would get her room finished before I went back to work so we are going to be working on that today. I already have the wall paper off and it repainted. Now we just have to hang curtains and put up these doohickeys that make the room cute.

Veda's grandparents are coming today. They will hopefully be okay with us finishing her room while they are here.

Jeff is still hiking. He is doing the PA portion of the Appalachian trail this week. I can't wait until he is home. I miss him like crazy! I got to talk to him a bit a few days ago and he said they were having a really good time. Fun stories like sleeping with bats and snakes.

Still having a difficult time with Soren and getting him to sleep. Of course I didn't make it any better by letting him just sleep with me at my parents house. Last night was hell. I was up most of the night trying not to let myself put him in my bed. I need to break him of this waking up 5-10 times a night. I can't do it much longer. And I think he is to small to let him just cry it out. In a year I won't remember this. Right?

Friday, July 20, 2007

Boob vs. bean

Boob wins.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Day three of bean.

Today begins the third day of soy. I am not convinced yet. I think he is feeling a little better but he is not "a different baby" like I have heard some people say about their baby when soy is introduced. I committed to give it through today. If I am still questioning then maybe I will give it tomorrow as well. I just don't want to do it if it's not what is best of Soren. (And yes, I know, breast milk is always best- but he seems a bit happier.)
Jeff leaves Monday for his hike. Boo hiss. The kids and I may go up North so we can be with my folks. Always have fun there. And this will be my last full week off before I start my new job. OH MY GOSH! I only have a few more days. How quickly that went. My heart breaks.

With SS- the saga has ended and I got screwed. Yes, I have to pay them back. I guess the dipshit that I spoke with didn't know what the hell he was talking about. They cound the entire calendar year- even if you stop payments on your own. How was I supposed to know I would get a job and make money at the begining of the year? As my good friend E said "BASTARDS"!
Some pictures from the cabin. I think it is completely unfair that neither of my kids look anything like me!!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Boob vs. Bean

Went up North to Jeff's cabin and had a good time. Some friends went with us and we really enjoyed ourselves. Veda went on with them and is now still camping. She'll be home tomorrow.

Jeff had his first full day with Soren. It went well. I am so glad. Not that I didn't think it would I just wanted it to. I worked for Hospice and that went well too.

So Jeff and I decided to just try soy formula (after a few really rough days- MR. GRUMP) and see what happens. Well, he has been on it for 24 hours and if what I see sticks- we have dropped the boob. He has been happy since I got home from work and Jeff says he had a pretty good day. I don't want to stop nursing for numerous reasons (cost, connection, JUST BECAUSE) but I don't think it is fair for him to be uncomfortable- if that is truly what it is. We are going to give it a few more days to see. So for now- I am a cow. I actually had to pump in the car today. Pretty funny trying to hide from those truck drivers. I was worried I would get in an accident and they would find a breast pump stuck to my forehead.

Anxious about the new job. Looking forward to it but anxious as it is only a few weeks away. I will be away from my kids all day 5 days a week. UGH!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

The government workers lied!

So last year, when I started to actually make money, I informed Social Security that I wanted them to cancel my death benefits as I would soon be reaching the maximum amount you can earn for the year. So, that's what they did. They told me there would be no penalties and I was in the clear. The next month I got a check. I quickly took it into the SS office and returned it. This happened one other time. Each time I made sure that I was "kosher" with getting married and starting working. Each time I was told that I was fine.

Well, yesterday I get a letter from SS telling me that I owe them over $8,000 due to overpayment for last year. First of all they didn't give me $8,000 in the months I received SS. They are saying that I owe them and I should pay now. WHAT?! Didn't I get this all figured out. I was so anal about it and made sure all of my ducks where in a row. I spent hours sitting in the damn office and on the phone with those people. I am so sad, angry and freaked out. Since I haven't been working for the last 2 months money is not something we can just hand out. Especially $8,000. Right now I hate the SS office. Except for the woman who is now "investigating this issue" for me.

Soren was up 6 times last night. Really, I am open for suggestions....

I am so tired.

Friday, July 13, 2007


The best part of my day today was watching Veda pick a booger for the troll that lives under the bridge. She believes that if you feed him boogers he will befriend you. She was also making sure each of the clouds in the sky was something- a dinosaur, a rat, a muffin top. I love watching her imagination work. I miss the days where I had that type of imagination.

We are headed up north for the weekend with some friends. Looking forward to using an outhouse all weekend. UGH.

Still getting up about 5 times a night with the little man. Thank goodness I love him.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Today marks the last day of the hard days... Today is Tad's birthday. I am glad to have these dates behind me- yet another year. Glad to have gotten through it. It seems that each year continues to get a bit different. Not better- but different. I guess I handle my grief differently with each passing day. And I have a whole new set of distractions now with Soren here.

Today was nice. Went and worked out then walked down to the DG for lunch. Jeff is working midnights tonight so here I sit- Veda is at her friend S's house and doesn't want to leave. I thought I would do something with her to celebrate "Daddy Tad's" birthday. Ice cream or shots of whip cream.

Went to see Dr. B yesterday for Soren's 2 month well check. He is 13 lbs and 23 1/2 inches long. He is growing well. He said that I should just forget about the jaundice because it isn't enough to worry about. And when I asked him about Soren's sleeping- he just said "Don't worry. He is a baby. He will grow out of it." So again last night I was up 5 times with the boy. That does not include bringing him into bed with me at 5:00 and all of the snuggles I had to do after that. My friend HL thinks that Soren is using me as a pacifier and/or I am part of the problem. Since he can smell milk on me etc. She offered to come and stay over for a night so we could run an experiment but I don't want her to have to do that. I just need to figure out a way to help him sleep more. I tried the swing again last night but didn't make any difference.

Soren's daytime is getting better. He is more jovial and interactive. We are having fun with him.

Next week will be the first time I am actually going to be away for any length of time. I am going into Hospice to pack up and fill in for my co-worker (only a few days). I am interested to see how it will go. Did I tell you that my friend CB said she would watch Soren for us!!! We are so thrilled and so lucky to know that he will be in the loving arms of a friend.

I can't believe that summer is almost over for me. We are thinking about going up north this weekend to Jeff's cabin. We haven't been there is such a long time.

Sunday, July 08, 2007


This is how it went. (Really, this guy held me at gun point. I HAD to do it.. At least that's what I told Jeff.) The door bell rang and Veda ran to get the door. She opens this door and there is a man standing there. I would say he was in his early 20's- college kid. He starts giving me this babble about kids books and I say "No thanks, I'm all set." The next thing I know this guy is sitting on my couch with books spread everywhere!! Needless to say, I am the sucka. I ended up purchasing some books. Only a few. Well, okay- they were pretty expensive. I have to say in my defense that the books are pretty cool. But not THAT cool. I plan on calling the company tomorrow to have them come back and pick up the books as I was temporarily INSANE!!

Had a great visit with my "mom and dad". Played a lot of Trouble and ate way too much. If you're wondering why the "mom and dad"- it's because I have adopted these two. I have know "dad" since I was a wee kid and "mom" came soon after. Veda told "dad" that she was so glad that they were here because no-one ever gets to spend time with her as they are too busy with me and/or Soren. Ugh. That one hurt. He shared that info so I knew that even though she is saying she is doing fine- she may need a little extra TLC.

Today we spent moving books and cleaning up Veda's room. I had some friends over and so did Veda. Veda and I did our toenails together this morning so we are trying to have mom/Veda time. (I am trying to be a good mom.)

Tomorrow my agenda is to get Mr. Book Guy back here and pick up his golden laced books. I am also going to try to get another room organized. I really would like to get the house together before I head back to work.

Soren is STILL awake a lot at night. Trying to work on that before I go back to work so I have some sort of sanity. I still don't believe how I haven't just fallen over into a deep coma or sleep like state with the lack of sleep I have endured.

Still negotiating with my friend about whether or not she may have Soren.

And why can't I get "Soren" to pass through my spellchecking... UGH!

Friday, July 06, 2007

The day is almost over. Again, another year has passed. This year has brought so many changes. I got married, had a baby, Veda lost 4 teeth and is now if first grade... Times have changed.

I guess through this period of time I too have changed. In lots of ways I guess. Mostly- I realize what I have. I have to admit that I don't always cherish what I have and even take what I have for granted at times... but I know what I have. This is something that I did not have before Tad died.

Over the past 6 years I have learned a lot about myself. I am stubborn, silly at times- serious others, a good mom (not always according to my daughter) and in love with my family and friends. I can't begin to think where I would be without my family and friends. I am the luckiest girl in the world. Honestly, I am.

So as my day comes to a close and another year has passed, I am making myself reflect on the good in my life. Today I am thankful for my friend CA who dropped everything to come and be with me today- just because she loves me. I am also thankful for pizza and ranch dressing.

The tree looks beautiful. CA, Veda, Soren and I went out and spent some time there. Always a good place to share memories, laugh and cry. So eat some peanut butter on a spoon or do a shot of whip cream in memory of Tad.

Hello July 7th. A start of yet another new year.


Where did I leave off?

We did the formula thing for 48 hours (and since there is a bit of Mennonite in my background we did it for exactly 48 hours). I don't see that it worked- tried I guess. Soren is really starting to smile more. Cooing more. And still sleeping a lot.
We had a nice time at my parents house. Got to see my sister and nieces for a few hours as well. They had a 4th of July parade on their lake. All of the boats were decorated with flags, etc. It was hilarious to see my parents on a boat with a giant banner saying "God Bless America". It's just not their style. But they did it because Veda wanted to be in the parade.

Jeff had a really rough night last night. He even woke me up- this is not normal. He thought he was either having a panic attack, stroke or heart attack. I tried to comfort him but not sure how well I did. He tried to call into work but they ended up calling him back in. He didn't have much sleep so I hope he doesn't have to run a code or something crazy like that.

Veda loved the fire works. We took her to this fair in my mom and dad's town. CARNIES! They were everywhere. I have to admit that they freak me out. And I know that I am stereotyping these individuals and I bulked them into one category but I have never seen a Carney that has a full "grill" (I'm trying my best to remain hip so I chose grill rather than "set of teeth"). Veda decided that she wanted to go on this one ride (4 tickets worth- each ticket equals $1) and she tried to talk me into it. She had a wrist band which allowed her to ride all day. I only had 3 tickets as most of the rides took three tickets. I told her I would do one ride. She persisted and I gave in. I went and bought another ticket (thanks mom for the tickets). We got on this ride and I knew within the first second that I would be sick. It went round and round, high and fast. I was sick. Really sick. At one point Veda and I were both yelling "STOP! PLEASE STOP!" But the Carney who was working our ride did not speak English. I knew I should have followed through with learning Spanish. Anyway- I was down for the count for several hours. Finally began to feel better after some wheat thins.

The things you will do for your kids...
This time of year is filled with a lot of dates for me. Today is 6 years since my first husband Tad was killed. How time stands still and flies at the same time. I think that Veda and I will pick some flowers from our gardens and take them out to his memorial tree today. The thing about this year is that it is a Friday- again. He died on a Friday- 5:40pm. I don't like the thoughts of today. I plan on keeping busy and thinking about how lucky I am now.

Monday, July 02, 2007

6.3 on the jaundice scale

So Dr. B. called and Soren's biliruben level is 6.3. This is nothing major but may be causing his sleepiness. He told us to go ahead and do 48 hours of formula. (Side note- SHIT! We had done 24 this weekend but I just didn't want to finish up the 48 because I was tired of pumping! We would have already been done with this! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!) So that is what we are going to do. Dr. B. wants to see him again on 7/10 to see how things are going. We started formula around 5:00 today and already I have teared up twice. Soren is not so happy but he finally went down to sleep. We'll see how long that lasts.

Met with our friend Rox to do legal stuff. She is a lawyer and is going to update our wills/POA/PA paperwork. She worked on it my first time around so I don't think it should be too hard for her to make some changes. Glad to have that started.

The kids and I are going to be going to my parents house tomorrow. My mom and dad are so wonderful. My dad even asked us to come back for a longer visit before I start my job. They are so cute. We are going to take in the lake again. Such a peaceful place.

Not so lucky...

So the second night of the car seat did not work as well. He was back to his regular schedule. Maybe we just need to go and have fondue at D&G's every night. I am game for that. This sleeping thing is a work in progress.

Veda is doing a lot of workbooks this summer. We are trying to keep her brain cells from deteriorating. She is currently doing 2nd grade math and reading comprehension. We should have started this a long time ago. Jeff is really good at making sure she gets to this everyday. He really is a good dad.

Jeff and I have both noticed that Soren is acting much more like a baby now rather than an infant. He is cooing and being more involved. Now I didn't say he was awake anymore but he is doing more.

I have less than a month until I start my new job. I am also going to fill in a few days at Hospice since one of my co-workers will be on vacation. I would love to stay home with him. I am still unsure about where he will go when Jeff and I are working. My girlfriend C mentioned that she MAY be thinking about watching a kid or two a few days a week- I would love this as I trust her with my life- but don't want to pressure her to do it. We'll see how this all pans out. I am going to try and meet with one day care provider this week and get a feel for her. Ugh. I wish this was easy.

The Pow Wow was fun. We walked down and enjoyed the traditional stuff while Veda liked the vendors.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Forgot to add that we tried the formula thing for 24 hours. That's all I could do. Don't know if it helped at all but I do think his little tinge of yellow is less. He is still sleeping. But- he is a baby and I need to just stop worrying.


We spent yesterday evening with some friends, D&G and C&D gorging ourselves with four different fondue dishes. (I gained about a pound and a half that's how good it was.) We had a blast. Good to be with such wonderful friends. My most exciting part of the night was that Soren and Veda both fell asleep on the way home. I decided to just keep Soren in his car seat until he woke up (assuming he would be up in 10 minutes) and low and behold it was 5:00 am before he woke up. That is 8 hours people! 8 hours that he slept without having to be nursed, rocked, sung to or changed! Of course I was up every hour checking on him. I had to make sure he was breathing. So today my goal is to find a car seat at a garage sale and cut out the belts so I don't have to worry about him sleeping on those. Hopefully this will last. I could use some rest.

We are going to the Pow Wow today here in our home town. I am excited to take Veda and let her see some of the "traditional" Native American dances, etc. I have been trying to go for years and haven't been able to get there for one reason or another. This year I am going. And my family is stuck going with me.